Monthly Archives: June 2011

Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 27: What is a Miracle? II

I am nearing the completion of my 30-day trek, and thought it would be wise to actually address the purpose of this blog, this process, this commitment I’ve made to myself, and to whoever is reading.

What is a miracle?

A miracle is a shift in perception. It is a shift in our awareness from fear-based thinking to love. It is an expression of love that momentarily erases all sense of fear, doubt, worry, anger or misery. It is a gift both to the giver and the receiver. Its power is infinite and beyond all reasoning.

(based on A Course In Miracles)

The funny thing about miracles is that most of us need them. But they require our participation, our willingness. If we’re not willing, nothing on earth or in heaven can stop us from lying to ourselves. Anyone can drink themselves to death. The most belligerent will be the last to admit, “hey, I think I might need a hand”. But who hasn’t asked for a miracle, even the most skeptical, fearful, or bitter of us?

Recently I came across a situation that I deem to be a miracle.  I encountered a man who I found quite belligerent, or obnoxious, and aroused in me all of my petty judgements.  I immediately sparred with him (playfully) and told him what I thought. Until one moment when I really let him have it, and he looked quite surprised and said quite seriously:

“Wow, you make a lot of assumptions.”

That stopped me. “You know, you’re right. I do.” I asked him to tell me something about himself that I don’t know. He proceeded to tell me about a recent tragedy. It aroused pity in me (which might have been brilliant on his part, but I don’t think so – he didn’t get anything out of it – and he didn’t expect anything either; as he said, he was just enjoying himself and our company).

I saw the perfect opportunity to change my mind.  I apologized and we began an interesting dialogue. It made me feel more connected, more accountable. And it was fun!

He was teaching me as much as I thought I was teaching him.

So what is a miracle?

The moment I saw him and he saw me. The moment he held me accountable. The moment I recognized my mistake and responded differently. And the moment he got to see the real me:  vulnerable, powerful, honest (to a fault sometimes), and humble.

What I got from him was a piece of myself calling for attention; and what he got from me was a piece of himself he hadn’t heard from in years.

Now, that’s a miracle. It doesn’t mean everything’s all soft and mushy inside. Or that some angel has come dropped from the sky to make everything right (though I have bloody-well tried to demand it at times!).  It just means, for a moment, we got it. And if we didn’t get it, we will.

Come hell or high water.

I prefer to ride the high-wave!

Day 26: Confidence

Confidence. Where does that come from? How does one situation bring out the “worst” in us, and another the “best”?  How does something which seemed impossible and forever “Far Away” suddenly seem close, doable and “no-problemo”?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bad audition. Remember that? And how I felt “Intimidated”. I did my best. I prepared. I did everything I should. Everything! But nothing would make me feel comfortable. Something was off. And, I discovered, it wasn’t just me.

But that’s not the point. it’s not about blame. It’s not about saying “well that’s just the way it is” or “it’s this person’s fault”. Dumb people!  There is no question that some circumstances seem blessed, and others bound to fail. Maybe it’s luck, and maybe it’s something not so obvious.

In the last week and a half I’ve had 3 auditions that were very different. Do you know what changed?

Me.

I got tired of trying to please. Trying to be “on” all the time. Trying to be the “actor”.  I thought:

“What the hell do I have to lose? Why not just do it the way I want?Not try too hard – relax, go to bed early, get up, get ready and go do it.  “No big deal”.

And it wasn’t a big deal – why give it more energy than it’s worth? Why make a big fuss like I usually do (and make everyone miserable in the process)?

And it worked!  Somehow the magic spell was cast of : “No big deal”  Whether I got the part or not, I don’t know. But something in me changed.

It’s not that I didn’t care. But I cared less. I was “carefree”.

I was more concerned with myself, my own happiness, than whether I was doing it “right”, or they liked me or not.

Funny thing is, I think they did! I got some good vibes.  I didn’t get as nervous. I still did my best (but how much more can you do, really?). There was no more to do.

Where does confidence come from? Maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Grace. Maybe it’s picking your numbers right like Russian Roulette. I don’t think so.

It isn’t chance that got me this way. It’s that moment of Grace to give in and finally say – “I’m not concerned”.  “I was born this way”.  “I’m OK. I’ve got what it takes. That’s enough!  If they don’t like it – tough!”

That’s not defensive. That’s sane, right and confident.  Sometimes you have to be that way. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

Oh, I was nice. Don’t get me wrong. But not caring too much is half the charm.

roadtrip to "Confidence"

P.S. One more thing may have helped – those fancy new shoes I wore on the last day. I purchased them on a road trip to PA with my girlfriend.  Riding in a convertible with the top down,  wind in my hair, strappy sandal heels over newly painted toes  – fuschia.Something good about life, there. Something good about life, period.

There is nothing more to do tonight. Except a little glass of wine to celebrate, and relax. For another day, another surprise, another circumstance, another rainbow. Or a great big rain!. A glorious lightning show (remember, that?).

Ah, Life is Good. Let me just leave it at that.

Day 25: Fun!

FUN!
FUN!

I was going to write about Why I am Here, Part II, but again, life gets in the way! And that, my dear, is the point. Life is good. It doesn’t need to be categorized, analyzed or parlayed into anything else. It is right in front of you.

And right now, in front of me, we have  a father and daughter frolicking in a pool, a dog laying down after a good ‘ole day of playing with his doggie friends and going for an evening walk; and me, here typing to you, whatever the hell is going on in my head. But my hope is that I am able to convey not just “what is happening” but why it is important, amazing and good. Why my life is so amazing, because it is.

Am I just lucky, or have I come out of the dark and seen with new eyes?

Something to ask yourself too. Is your life not good, or are you not seeing what is good about you, about it. That is what happened to me. I was comparing my life to some superstar dream fantasy far away, and I could never live or be happy that way. Now, as I sit here, the music playing (“Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles), I dream a new dream: the dream of my life as it is now. Better than planned, appreciated beyond measure, and endlessly full of possibilities for tomorrow. No need to prolong.  Just say:

Yes, this day is enough for me! This is fun!

I am having fun. With you, with me, with everyone.

My husband, not knowing what I was writing about, just hollered from the pool:

“Hey, mommy, this is fun!”

Not kidding. There are no accidents, only appointments, she said.

This one is fun indeed.

Thank you.

Amen.

Day 24: Resistance Training

Woman Resting, Manguin, 1927

Hello all. I thought I would write about Why I am Here, Part II, but maybe that will have to wait. I have some resistance training to do. I’m actually getting pretty good at it. I lift a pound of doubt, three ounces of too tired, and three barrel-full loads of fuzzy-brained lack of desire.

Sorry, caught in inaction!

Today, for some reason I was just a bit off.  I could not think. I could not want. I could not do anything I usually do well. I did the best I could without yelling at the kids (not too much), apologized at the last possible moment before the school doors closed, and then went back home to be with myself.

What to do with that? On a day like that?

Resistance Training 101.
 
1. Do not try to do anything that seems hard, difficult, torturous.
 
2. Sit down.
 
3. Lay down your head on the arm of a chair or on a bed.
 
4. Put your feet up.
 
5. Dream. Snooze. Allow.
 

And if you can’t do that, pretend to work. Get it over with as quickly as possible and then as soon as you can, do nothing at all. Watch bad TV for 5 minutes, an hour if you can afford. Go for a walk – maybe. Do not try to write good poetry or solve anyone’s problems, including your own. Let it all go.

This was my day. I managed to accomplish some things without too much complaint (there was no one to complain to). Then I lay down.

And then, the second part of my day began…

To be continued on Day 25… (wow, I must be feeling a bit better, I’m cheating it forward 😉

Day 23: Good Enough for Me!

Yes, it’s Wednesday and I haven’t written in 2 days. After publishing my “Daily Commitment Contract” the other day I set out to avoid everything on it ’til about 11pm.  It wasn’t that bad really, I had done my morning workout at least, and I did spend the entire night with my husband. It was all good. So why do we punish ourselves when we don’t make the grade?

I’m starting to pick up the mantra, “Good Enough!” If and when you ever get tired of beating yourself up (I am), try this on for size:

I’m “Good Enough” for me!

As a matter of fact, I don’t even have time to finish this blog because I have to take both my kids to the orthodontist.

I’m a mother. How could I ever do anything perfectly?

It’s like my yoga instructor said yesterday, that her hips will never be the same since giving birth. Once you re-arrange yourself and everything in your life, including your hips, to accommodate children, you will never, never be the same.

Neither will your “to do” list.

I should have put this first on my Daily Commitment Contract:

1. I am committed to not taking myself too seriously. To enjoying myself. Then, and only then, will I look at number 2 and 3!

Amen!

Day 22: The Daily Commitment Contract

OK, so here’s where “the rubber meets the road”. A few weeks ago, I wrote about my Commitment. It was a real declaration. But how much am I really doing? How can I measure  if I am meeting my commitments, and how can I make myself more accountable? It’s all about personal integrity. But it doesn’t hurt to have a public check-in!

I’m not just talking about things I “have to do”, but things I need to do. Things that will change my life for the better (and maybe other people’s too). So, I am going to share this list with you so I can demonstrate and practice my own commitment, and hopefully inspire you too.

Here it is, my daily commitment contract (this does not include all the other things I have to do in a given day like raising kids, business tasks, house/home, putting out fires, helping friends, building new frontiers).

My Daily Commitment Contract*

1. DAILY SPIRITUAL PRACTICE Morning meditation and workout upon waking (about 6:30-7:00) before anything else where possible.

2. DAILY WRITING Daily blog for 30 Days of Miracles; plus daily script-writing for film project over the next 30 nights… with a goal of completing a working draft this summer.

3. RELATIONSHIP Daily time exploring our relationship dynamic, deepening and having more fun together, with at least 1/2 hour a night of uninterrupted time together sans TV and kids!

RULE:  NO Facebook, Twitter, email, TV (distractions) until I have done my morning work FIRST.  Same goes for the evening round. This is the hardest part!

“Commitment to Self/Core; commitment to Creative Expression; Commitment to Relationship. Then Everything Else!”

Well, that’s it folks. For now. I will be posting updates here and on Facebook (once my commitments are met, of course).  Hold me accountable, ask me how it’s going!  (Any good contract requires witnesses.) And that’s what we can do for each other.

So, what’s on your list?…

Love,

Krista

* This contract is subject to change without notice. Just kidding. However, we can be flexible 😉

Day 21: The Miracle is You

I mean that literally. The Miracle is You. I’m not being generic or metaphoric or universal in any way. For the first time, I really get it.

I sang through the weekend doing the birthday thing, kids running amok, appreciating my family, getting uptight and nervous about the quantity of young guests, the unanticipated sleepover, the never-ending hangover of more guests on Sunday. The joy of an unusual full family dinner.

Now, as I swing back to my beloved friends of this blogging world, I get this sudden feeling of  connectivity, reciprocity, understanding…

This is not just about me. This is about You. The miracle that happens to me is the same miracle that happens to you. What I write, you also live. What you live, I somehow write. How does this happen? How does this miracle happen to us both at the same time, echoing each other? You may think, How did you know that? How did you say exactly how I was feeling at this moment in time? How did you say it just like that so that it sung to my heart, spoke from my true understanding, something I hadn’t even put into words before? This is all new to me too.

All I know is, I am doing this with you

It is a chorus, a harmony, an absolute symphony. I love to write, and you hear my voice. But you don’t just hear me, you hear You! This is bizarre. Amazing. I am singing your song as much as I am singing mine. Maybe we are singing the same song!

I am honoured to be the one putting down the words because it is easy for  me. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way!” But maybe for the one who is tongue-tied or whose heart is torn apart, and can’t even begin to know how to express ‘that’, I am their God-send. Literally. That is not arrogant. As Marianne Williamson says echoing A Course in Miracles, it is not arrogant to recognize your God-given talents and use them. It is humble to witness their impact, to see God’s work at hand. To fall down on your knees and say, Thank you for using me at last!

Thank you.

Thank You for being here, for listening, for understanding, for being, for responding. Thank you for singing your chorus, your harmony. Your wave of passion, happiness, devotion.  I love our evolving collaboration, our co-witnessing each other, our evolutionary striving for something greater. An awakening of seismic proportions. Beyond Katerina, Beyond tragedy. This is the response to all of that. This is the Hope. The Dream. The Great Call to Freedom at last! This isn’t about race, sex, age or religion. This transcends all borders and boundaries we ever thought we had. This is Love itself calling to our own Selves. We are recognizing ourselves in each other’s greatness. We are witnessing the possibility of what we can be together.  Supporting each other in the Climb that has  nothing to do with ceilings or enemies or friends. This is wider, deeper, faster and more incredible than anything we ever thought we were or had. This is the mountain without peak, the river without end…

Dear God, make us Great. Make us tall. Make us realize our own potential in each other’s eyes. Let us witness and make a pact: Never again will we act small, pretend we don’t know anything. Hide in the branches of our own greatness, only to swing when we are alone. Let us join our hands. Clasp on for dear life. Let’s sing our hearts out in this, our Collective Song.

There’s no denying when you’ve heard the Call.

There’s no denying when a Miracle is born.

Thank you, God for hearing mine.

Amen.