Today I feel intimidated. I am afraid to write this post! I am embarrassed that someone will read it, which they probably will! So I told my son who is a musician and can understand this kind of fear, and he said:
“Write like no one will read it. You can always worry about it later.”
Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?
Last night I was wildly embarrassed about my post and deleted it on Facebook (you can read it here if you want - I am committed and it remains Day 17). I suddenly felt more aware that people are watching, reading my work. I was becoming afraid of my audience! This is not good!
What do I do about that? I have learned soooooo many ways to deal with that feeling of Intimidation. There is no one (at least not openly) judging me, certainly not as harshly as I judge myself. And a lot of folks have been quite nice. I just didn’t want to have to go through it, this feeling. AGAIN! Why can’t I get this right? After all, I am well-trained, highly evolved! I should know better, Damnit!
But, here I am. Embarrassed. Intimidated.
But wait – why is my life so amazing? Isn’t that what this blog is for? Yes, it is. I have no excuses. My crybaby worries won’t work anymore. I’m not getting out of this.
Nor could I get out of my audition today: the things I had to do to prepare; the nice man I was supposed to audition with but had to go in with someone else instead; the courage I felt in doing my best despite awkward glances; the compassion I showed myself by saying ”thank you very much”, and patting myself on the back, even if I hadn’t really “nailed” it. Despite all of that, and the dusty hot streets I encountered as I walked to the car… I felt good.
I wasn’t afraid anymore. Not because my source of discomfort was gone, but because it didn’t really matter anymore. I was there for a time: I connected, I shared, I laughed, I sighed. And now it was time to move on.
I am still here and my whole life as well.
At least I am not intimidated by her anymore, that little girl inside myself. I have come to love her qualities, the different temperatures and landscapes of her inner world; I am beginning to see them as passing mist, nothing to get too worked up about. And sometimes, to even cherish awhile.
When I got home, there was a pool to put up, kids to feed, a dog freshly groomed and running about. Happiness filled the moist, grassy air…
It was heaven on earth.
Oh, what was I so worried about?
P.S. I can’t say I followed my son’s advice to the rule, or that I “nailed” my post either, but at least I did it. And so, I continue another day. Amen.