Monthly Archives: January 2013

Loving Yourself Through Doubt

I was born a happy baby.  Pretty curious, demanding, smiling and screeching if I didn’t get what I was wanting: another mouthful of the good stuff.   I used to sing songs in the bathroom mirror and ham it up for the camera at a pretty early age.  My smile was infectious and I loved the attention.  It was natural for me to be this way.  As Lady Gaga says, “I was born this way.”

When I was about 10 we moved to a new city and school, and a teacher told me I was a scatter-brained, and I was told to go sit in the corner. I was unsure of myself, angst-riden and cried myself to sleep at night.

These stories or programming teach us to either believe in ourselves or not, to either voice our opinion and desires, or stuff them down.  I chose to voice most of mine, but there was always a niggling fear that if I got it wrong, I would fail and be sorry.

When I was a teenager I went out of my way to succeed at all things I chose to do, mainly academics and story-telling.  Praise from a few good teachers kept me on a high wire of success and achievement which I still don’t regret, because even though it was hard sometimes, it was also how I loved to be, and what I wanted to put out in the world:  I wanted to express myself, explore ideas and be bold and unique in my creations.  I did that and it felt wonderful.

Later in early adulthood, due to programming and circumstances, as the “real world” settled in”, I learned to quiet it down a bit, and do as I was expected, go to university, get married, skip the trip to Europe and take the scholarship instead. I was also influenced to take a business-focused program, instead of a purely arts program.  This I only partially regretted because although I wasn’t happy doing it, being in the corporate and IT world did provide me with a career and the ability to earn a living while I was still in school, giving me both independence and confidence.

Then I hit a wall. With a baby in tow, a promotion at work, and heavy commute, I had given up  more than enough  in my pursuit of pleasing and doing, and needed to recalculate.  My doubts resurfaced, but this time more as urgent requests and desperate cries, than hopeless worries.  I knew I had to do something now or I would lose that wonderful little girl who already knew what she wanted and who she was. I made some new choices and slowly moved out of an old life that was no longer serving me well.

Hey, I'm sexy AND I can save the planet

 

My 30s were all about creating new possibilities with what I had, and resurrecting some old dreams that I had given up long ago.  I moved to the city, found a new partner who shared my values, and lived on my own for awhile. I joined the theatre, took singing lessons and joined a cover rock band just for fun. Then I started acting, writing, investigating my spiritual pursuits, building community and sharing my message with more and more.  I realized it was not too late to do anything I wanted. I could change my life and I held the power to create anything I desired. And it was a lot of fun!

 

Now in my 40s I find the lines and streams of my life connecting to where I am today:  what was the purpose of all those different experiences, diversions, skills, assets and achievements? Breakthroughs and possibilities? Natural gifts and talents? What can I do now, as I hold more power than I ever thought possible?

I find it humbling to go through so many changes and growth spurts and still feel doubt and fear sometimes.  The desire to get it right, not make a mistake, and not be miserable doing what I don’t want to do, is still with me in some way.  I have spent the last week or so working on some of those old blocks and fears, doubts and complaints.  The little girl in me is quiet, but the adult must give her time to speak.

What do you want, sweet one?  What do you most want to create? How do you want to speak through the window of your own desire and reach the world with your well worn hands and scratched up face?  Aren’t you precious for reaching so far, for trying so hard and for falling once or twice….  Aren’t you remarkable for your resilience and determination, your purity and non-judgement, your willingness to do anything?  I love you for who you are, for who you want to be, for the girl, woman and being you are today.

Never give up on the knowledge that you can change anything and become who you really want to be. I have spoken to those who felt it was too late, and told them my story of how I climbed out of misery and depression, living in a far away town away from everything I desired, and starting all over at the age of 32. I am still evolving and changing. I am never done! So take heart and take great care, with that giant baby and wonderful creation you are.  Never doubt that you can live the life you desire. That you are not alone. And that where there is a will there is a way!

Amen.

Krista Fall EW 2012

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

Krista

P.S.  What does your little one want or need? What did you believe about yourself at your highest and most loved moment? Do this for yourself right now and ask yourself what you need to move forward. Let’s bust through doubt and find truth, clarity and hope – and MOVEMENT (and lots of it!) 🙂  Write your breakthroughs and “what’s true” about you below.