Sometimes I Wait

I have a confession to make. For those of you who know me, this is no big deal. But actually, it is.  Sometimes I wait. Too long.  So long that I become paralyzed by my own waiting.  Then it’s too late! I can’t go on. It’s too embarrassing to just get back out there and sing my song. What if people forgot about me? What if I have become deaf and dumb? What if I have nothing left to give, to sing, to go on?

Help me, I sing. Help me, I cry.  What should I do if I have lost my own WHY?  If I become paralyzed and forgive, can I find my way again? Will people forgive me, remember WHY?

Last year I had a hopping year. I mean, it was really blazing.  I got up the courage, largely from this process of creating and singing my song, my chorus on this platform, which burgeoned out and became something truly wondrous.  The writer became the speaker, then the workshop host/leader.  My own success almost scared me.  Is this really happening?

I never started out thinking I would become a leader, someone people turn to.  It surprised me, that in my hollowness, in my honesty, in the creation of my words and deliberate actions, something miraculous would come.  Evolutionary Woman was born out of that fire, that blaze, from a simmering seed, to something wondrously made.

And then it was over (seemingly).  And a part of me died.  I know that sounds melodramatic, and if you accused me of that, you would probably be right.  But I needed some time to integrate. To ask myself, WHY?

That WHY turned into three months, four.  Six haunted me some more.

Ahhhh….  why do we wait so long?  Why do we question ourselves to the point of oblivion?

Sometimes I worry too much what other people think. (OK, most of the time).  It is my Achilles heal, my weakness. The other, waiting. Together, they are a special team of side-kicks designed for misery-making. 🙂

But the good newstree is I didn’t really lose anything at all! Time will tell, but I’m pretty sure the gifts are inside of me still, not out there in the universe at all, or in the forest, but right here in this tree- me!  I don’t have to go out there to find it again, it’s right in here – waiting for me!

Surprise. I am back. The song is half-sung. There is more to come!

Then I came out of the closet again.  Someone who believed in me, championed me from behind. Someone who heard the haunting mixture of songstress and starlight.  There was more in me to give. More to come! It was possible to move on.

I hope I am never too proud to sing my song, to tell the truth, and move on.  If my song can help you, or someone out there in the big wide blue, I will have served my purpose.  And if the faces and names change, well that’s alright too.  I have to be true.

Thank you for listening, and for being a part of this journey, this creation.  I hope it inspires you.  And if it doesn’t, I don’t blame you!  I wrote at the beginning of this journey, in June of 2010 when I wrote my first blog, that “I write to learn”.  Well the same holds true for everything. If I can’t share the truth with you, as it is unfolding, then there is no point at all.

So I commit to never giving up my song. Even if there is a vast interlude.  The hollows will beckon me back, and the sound will startle me at times, but the delight will keep me moving on.





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