Not for the Faint of Heart

There is a lie that goes like this:  If we feel good, everything is hunky-dorey.  If I have a good day, my life is grand. If I have a bad day, something is very wrong.  Sometimes I feel like my greatest defeats were entry-points to something greater. My most humiliating, self-defeating moments, my greatest glimpses into the path of freedom.

Most people are not willing to go there. Most people just want to feel good and know their own truth. Their own self-designed mechanism for putting a smile on their face each day.  I know this sounds cynical and downright scarey, but the truth is we don’t know the truth.  And that scares the frickin’ sh*%#t out of us.  We will do anything to make it OK.  We will agree with whatever is going to get us through the day.  And if life is going wonderfully, there is usually a shoe that falls. Why is that?

I don’t believe in negativity. I believe it exists, but I don’t believe in it.  I also don’t believe in cynicism or analysis. All the thinking in the world won’t get us there.  Has it yet?

I’m happy to feel good as much as the next person.  And I celebrate every good moment as it happens, the miracles that come to me, that I am willing to see, and willing to share. But the truth is, I don’t see most of them. And I suppress most of them inside of me.  Why is this?

Because it’s scary to tell the truth. It’s scary to say you love someone, and it’s even more scary to mean it and act like you do.  It’s easier to hide behind well-meaning phrases and sentiments, to play the game.  And then cry when your team loses, and realize you’ve been rooting for the other side.

It’s all a game.  That’s the comfort and the joy.  But when it falls down around you, like a giant puzzle you’ve been spending years assembling, it feels like hell. Why did I do all that? How am I ever going to start again?

The truth is, most people don’t know what love is. Especially those who seek it the most. Including me. I can play at it, but I cry like the next person when I fail to meet its enraptured promise and fall short of the love inside of me.  I know it’s there, but where is it when hide and seek never seems to end?

I’m not even talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love for everything, including myself.  It starts with me, but if I can’t win at it, is there any hope of loving someone else? Maybe.

My hope is in the understanding that we have no idea what we are, and that comforts me.  The fact that I don’t know, means there’s more to know and understand. And that is a huge blessing. If I knew everything now, and this is the mess I find myself in, then what hope is there for me? Of course, there is no hope in insanity.  But I also know the light in me. And when that light is on, all seems clear to me. Easy.

The truth is, I feel more love sometimes for strangers than I do for me, or for my “loved ones”.  My special family and friends.  Because there are no ties or expectations, no failures or examples to be made, it is just free.  A hello means just that, a thank you and a please. There are no other requirements to live by.  Just being myself, being free.

Full moon party, BVI

Full moon party


I had a healing circle at my place a couple of weeks ago. I had no idea who was coming. It was all left up to “fate”.  There was another party next door I could have gone too, a bit more traditional, but I didn’t. For some reason, I wanted to try something different.  I just wanted to.  There was no obligation, no hesitation, and no desire to make my life perfect for anyone to see. My kitchen was a mess, filled with teacups and saucers, and pans ready for sauces. It was a bustling, “here’s what it’s like just to be me.”  I didn’t have to please anyone.  People helped me. And I was delighted to just take a nap and see what came to me.

Each time the door opened, I felt a surge of happiness. Every face brought a surprise, a guest I hadn’t expected.  I felt like hugging them all, and I did! We spent the night out by the fire, doing meditations and prayers and sharing our stories and understandings.  And sometimes we disagreed. But there was a synergy I hadn’t expected, an ease.  It felt like family.

Maybe when we are stripped of our exterior, our desire to fit in, our feeling that we must understand everything before we begin – we can actually experience something and ride the waves of what the truth really is.  We can’t name it or even own it, it just is.  In glimpses, it comes, when we are least prepared.  When we are exhausted by trying.  When we give up the “fight” to win.  When we just “give” in.

That’s the truth as I see it, the truth I lost and won.  It isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why life on earth is so hard.  We all want to master our own game. But if we just throw up the puzzle pieces and ask for what may, if we just give in to what comes our way, what would happen to all our defenses? Explanations? Expectations?  I’d gladly give in.  I’d gladly lose and win.

Aaaahhh…..   that’s it for now.  A piece of my mind, and a glimpse of something greater within.  A huge mix to take in.  It isn’t for everyone, but it’s the closest I can get to true.









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