Monthly Archives: August 2016

Feeling God When You Feel So Alone

One of the downfalls of being a “spiritual” person (we are all spiritual – but that is a misnomer I sometimes give myself and others who are dedicated to the path of enlightenment/ truth/ spirituality/ authenticity/ love), is that I don’t often give myself permission to fail or fall.  Or is that perfectionism? My article on Spiritual Perfectionism deals with that topic. But here, I want to go a little deeper.

One of the most difficult things for me and perhaps others to do, and one of the things I do the best when I do it, is to be real and raw when something is bothering me. To tell the truth. When I do it I sometimes say too much and risk disapproval or abandonment. (The worst abandonment, though, is self-abandonment, and so given the opportunity I will choose the former). And when I don’t risk it, I bury it under a deep dark place because, after all, ‘I am the light’. The danger of knowing I am the light, and yet I feel darkness, is that I may pretend it is not there, hide it, or worse, give in to it. Alone, I may be tempted to believe that there is no hope, that no one hears me, and that my darkness is the truth about me. This is not the truth, and yet when I FEEL that way, it is the most challenging time to reach for light.

So what do I do when I feel so alone, struggling with something seemingly on my own, and yet not alone? Even surrounded at times by well-meaning family and loved ones, I can feel as if no one understands, I can feel judged or wounded, even if no one says anything against me – it is a thought I have about myself, that hasn’t yet found its way into the light to be healed. How can I find my way through that darkness and reach for the light within?

person and golden sun spiritual direction

 

One of my friends said something profoundly wise the other day as she listened with compassion – a rare gift. Knowing me as she does, that I am one to hide away when the going gets tough, she coaxed me out and provided a safe cushion to lean on while I unloaded myself. She said, “What if going within is not something we have to do by ourselves? What if going within just means going into your heart, and that means reaching out to other people, soul connection? Maybe connection isn’t just a solitary thing, maybe it can be done together because we are all connected?”

As a channel, I have learned, rather reluctantly because I have never been a good meditator, to go into a deep trance (hypnosis) and access my spiritual essence, and even talk to guides and angels. You would think, given this incredible gift, that I would never feel alone. “You can talk to Heaven? My God! Lucky you! I wish I had a direct line to God!” Well… I do. So do you, but I STILL feel alone. I don’t say this to give you no hope, I say this because the deeper message here, is that maybe God can’t be found by myself.

IMG_9956 (1)

Maybe God is a two-way street – or better yet, an intersection – or a busy square where many souls greet. Maybe God cannot be found locked away in a solitary cave or room (though some have found him there, too). Maybe God greets us most when we are in love, when we are forlorn and being picked up by a friend, when our husband hugs us after we feel broken and fragile, when we listen to children playing in the pool, walk barefoot on the dewy grass, or let the dog lick our face.

Maybe God is in the details. In the laughter and tears, in the rolling hills, in the depressing days of sadness where we feel so lost, and the miraculous times of healing when our hearts receive the love and hope we so desperately need from just the right person – or another unlikely place.  

Maybe love is not just in our pleas to God, but in the listening and receiving.

As a ‘spiritual person’ (I will say it only one more time, I promise), I can also be tempted to think that it is OK to give love, to extend myself beyond my own limits for others so they feel loved, but it is not OK for me to receive it, to need it, to want it, to grab for it, and even to lose it. It is not OK for me to fail or fall down. To feel alone. To feel small. It is not OK for me to be a human being who talks to angels, and sometimes would rather be with a flesh-and-bones friend whom I can see, touch and feel.

Maybe it’s OK to admit that God isn’t up there, all alone in his high cloud without me – maybe it’s OK to greet God right here, in my own world, no matter how lonely or messed up I feel. Maybe God is right here, right now, with me and you as we read and write these things, together. And in the illumination that comes from finally letting the dark cloud out of my head, and letting my heart reach out one more time – to God only knows who. Because in that moment of truth, that moment of connection, wisdom comes, and communion.

And isn’t that what God and love is all about? 

 

Let me know how you reach God when times are tough. Write a comment or email your private share here. Thank you for sharing.