Category Archives: 30 Days of Miracles 2011

The Climb

Last night I had a dream, that I was readying myself for a trip in one scene, preparing my documents, determined to go.  In the next scene was a tall ladder attached to a very high slide in a park. 

I was moving toward the kids in the park, my dog dancing at my heels excitedly.  Once I approached the rails, there was no one left in front of me. It was quiet.  I climbed. The sky was perfectly blue and clear…  

I am re-publishing this blog post/poem, “The Climb”,  from my 2011’s “30 Days of Miracles”, in honour of my dream last night, and as entry point into this week’s theme: “Miracles Require Courage”.  

I hope you enjoy your mountainous climb…   

 

 mountaintop climb

 

1
 
 “Jump off the high dive, woman.”
She looks at him.
No.
Yes.
No.
“OK, have it your way.”
He picks her up and throws her in.
 
2
 
“Jump off the high dive, damnit.”
“NO. I can’t.”
“Yes you can.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Yes you will if I have anything to do with it.”
She pauses.
He smiles.
She runs.
He chases her.
She jumps in.
 
3
 
 “Go on, you can do it.”
“I know” she says and smiles.
But she doesn’t.
He pauses.
She looks at him.
“Why should I?” she asks.
“What are you waiting for?” he answers.
He waits.
She goes and climbs the first step.
 
4
 
“It’s cold up here.”
“So.”
“I’m hungry. I want to come down now.”
“No.”
“Why?” she asks again.
“Because you don’t want to.”
“OK.”
She goes one step further.
 
5
 
“It’s high up here.”
“I know.”
“What should I do now?”
“I can’t hear you…”
She contemplates.
Nobody is there.
She is all alone.
What do I do now?
Keep going.
She doesn’t go.
She tries to come back down,
But something keeps drawing her nearer.
 
6
 
She comes back down and rests.
She does other things to distract herself.
He doesn’t care.
He waits for her.
Then, when she is ready, she asks him again.
“What should I do now? Go again? Do you want me to?”
“Do you?”
“I do. Something is calling me nearer.”
“Then go if you want to. Do it.”
 
7
 
She goes again,
This time she is one step nearer.
Suddenly there is a crowd.
Only a few looking up at her.
She is doing something newer.
They are cheering for her.
This is fun again.
She climbs to the top and takes a peek at all there is to see.
She freaks and comes back down.
They pat her on the back, but she has a frown.
“What’s the matter?” they ask.
“I didn’t do it yet. I pretended to. I didn’t climb the whole way. I didn’t jump off.”
“So. You tried. That is enough.”
“NO. I want to go again.”
“Good. Then go.”
 
8
 
This time there is no one around.
She creeps out into the night.
She climbs the ladder fully and stands at the top.
She sings her song to the mountaintops and the trees.
She is free.
No one is listening
Or so she thinks.
In the morning there are people everywhere,
Crowding her for a time,
Congratulating her on her mountainous climb.
She is dumfounded.
 
“How did you know?”
 
“We could hear you.”

 

 

P.S. This time, after hovering between 6 and 7, I am nearing number 8. Where are you?

 

The Miracle of Letting Go

Krista in Del Mar

I can’t  plan this. Some academics spend eons planning, researching, writing and editing their material. Forgive me my typ-os (typos?), my dangling participles, my fragments. This is the joy of creating, like a delicious soup that gets made from half-made things all thrown together into a stirling mix. Who can plan this? Who wants to?

Have you let go of planning yet?

Preparation is one thing. We all have to buy our tickets to get to where we’re going. But once we’ve prepared and shown up, our job is to let go and experience it.

Here’s what happened to me:  I met a woman in a cafe whom I have admired for a long time. We spoke briefly over the course of a year.  One day I returned to the cafe just brimming with my news, of what I was doing with Evolutionary Women, this circle of women I started in Scarborough, who wanted to connect and transform, together. I was sparkling with joy. The mists had parted, and she noticed this exuberance, this life. She wanted to know Everything, as most women do (which I adore). I told her my story. First, the five-minute version, which wasn’t enough. She was enthralled. Tell me more! I told her how I got to where I am now, what I had to give up – the trying, the “efforting” for a pre-set notion of my future. But it wasn’t working. Everything felt like a no-fly zone.  I was lost in a daydream, a maze with no door. Then I awoke. I joined several groups, sought help. I began talking, searching, writing, creating. I struggled, I fell down. I didn’t know how I was ever going to get there, this nebulous new world. I didn’t know how I was going to start all over.  I had visions, daydreams, images that would come to me, words that would flow through me all the time. I was pretty isolated then. It took time to build a support team. I became relaxed into this new way of being. My life became an editing room. I was being edited down to my finest, most crystalline form. Everything else was tertiary.

Soon, in the span of two years, my daydreams began to form. Something Inside began to show up all around me. I began to transform myself. Show up differently. There were dips and curves, valleys. Breakdowns and breakthroughs. I suffered A LOT. So did my family at times. I knew I had to change the way I was thinking about myself and my life. What I was here for. It wasn’t to glorify myself. I had to go a different way. I had to let go!

Letting go doesn’t mean having nothing, or doing  nothing. It doesn’t even mean loss necessarily, as it is so often associated with grieving.  Sure, I cried my tears in the letting go of “me”, who I thought I was. The pain of sustaining an image of myself that I couldn’t live up to (that wasn’t true). I had kept  my true thoughts well hidden. It took awhile to crawl to the surface and breathe dry air. To trust that I could tell others the truth. That I wasn’t happy the other way. I had to let go.

Letting go is New. It’s You!  It’s Why We’re Here, What We are For, It’s the deliverance you’ve been waiting for! It’s the door!  It’s Thank God I don’t have a plan anymore! Thank God I can just be me! Isn’t it fabulous, just to be me?

And then – people started noticing. People started wanting to join with me, to participate in: to listen, to speak, to share their hearts, their minds, to co-create. To begin! Suddenly I was not alone – I became swept up in a giant swell. There was something much more important at stake – my happiness and theirs, not some arbitrary future life I wanted to create – No. I wanted my Life NOW!

This is what happened when I let go:  My woman friend and I sat and had a real conversation. We lit up the room. The world closed in around us like a giant blanket. Other women listened and enthused. Possibilities and ventures sparked. We started saying Yes, I would love to do that. Let’s talk about it. Now, things are happening, and I have so much to do!

How did it all happen?? I couldn’t have planned or predicted this. I had an idea to join with other women. To  connect. I began to create something small. I thought of doing more, reaching more women. I talked and wrote about it – A LOT. Too much, in fact. But, I didn’t give up. I got positive feedback. I kept putting it out there. There were slumps and insecurities – there still are!  But this idea, this adventure, this feeling to keep going kept coming to me. I kept dreaming and sharing. And soon, when I took that terrifying step of asking someone about renting a space to hold a workshop –  THEN and only then – I heard the giant chorus of YES! chiming back at me.  Other women wanted this too. Then – did I notice: This was a good idea! It wasn’t just some “idea” in my head. Some other scheme to “get ahead.”  It wasn’t just for me anymore, it was also for them. Serendipity took over. People started approaching me for more. This was something brewing deep down in the hearts of all of us – at least the women I’ve met. And even men!

What really surprised me, when I let go and just spoke to this woman from my heart, was that she wanted to work with me one on one.  I had never done this before.  I didn’t know what I would do. How could I? How could I know what she was going to say?  To plan would have been interference.  I had to trust. I felt humbled by her trust in me, in the Presence – because that is what it was. My Presence spoke for me, on her behalf. I saw who she was, felt the tingling sensation of Yes! shouting through her – through the aches and pains of what was. I knew her.  I wanted to join with her and help her as so many had helped me. And, because I allowed that Presence to speak for me, instead of some rigid, academic plan, some psychology degree – I knew what to say and when. I had compassion. At first, it just stumbled out.  But then, as the energy moved me and I SPOKE. it just rang out!  Her eyes lit up and she said, “Wow…this is Amazing.” I felt that too. I was as amazed as she was. I felt totally connected, totally alive, totally gifted by that moment with her presence too. Our awareness grew.

It is amazing what we can do when we don’t have a plan. When we let go. It’s amazing what’s Inside of us when we just let ourselves LIVE and give others permission to do the same.

The same thing happened the other night in a workshop I was giving.  It had become more of a Circle, a quiet space of reflection and sharing. I had written reams of material, I had hundreds of exercises swirling around my head – some we had already tried which were quite invigorating, and I believe helpful. But this time was different. They had already begun without that. This time, it wasn’t “all up to me” as I had felt before, and so many women who carry that sense of responsibility very heavily. The burden of caring too much, planning too hard, frightened of the unknown. Afraid to surrender. To trust that I had enough.  That I was enough.

I sat uncomfortably in my chair at first, knowing “I Have a Plan”. Then I listened to the women open up, their stories naturally spilling out of them, the electricity of their knowing filling the room. Their intelligence, their insight, their banter. Their laughter!  Who could interfere with that? What more could I give that they didn’t already have?

I had to let go. I had already created this space for them to grow. They had already accepted, shown up.  Given themselves. All I had to do was listen and give what came to me in the moment. I offered my thoughts, my passion, which caught fire when I spoke.  I noticed when I tried too hard and stopped.  I listened to myself. I remembered what my purpose was (to give them a space to heal) and spoke from my heart instead. And then they lit up.  Because I was being true. There were still challenges and discussion. Healing moments and successes.  Opportunities for further growth. Things I could do to help in future, but waited. It was not appropriate now. There would be more time. This was only a beginning.

At the beginning of that night, in silent preparation, I had lit 9 tiny candles in the centre of the table. And as I quietly sat by and listened, my friend turned to me and said, “Nine candles. Ah….  Birthing”  She smiled. Beamed, actually. And now as I looked around at their faces, the nine women who came, we resembled the light itself.  It was our quiet sanctuary. I felt I had done something exquisite, without “doing” anything at all. I had given myself permission to just be there, and to let them as well, to have faith that we would do the right thing together. Like women who know how to give birth to something. No doctor can tell us how to do it. Nature just knows.

Women know. They understand each other. We are natural creatures. Our instincts get dampened by too much structure.  We need room to grow. That’s all. Just a room. Just a space. Just a collaborator or two.

Give yourself a little space to let go…

And let the miracle happen to You.

P.S. This is my way of surrendering. I’ve spent years thinking too much. And still do. I use to get rewarded for getting my semi-colons right. Now, all I want is You!  To be happy. To be joyful. To reach people in a new way. To let the Spirit move me! I hope it moves you too.

Amen.

Day (#): A Miracle Never Ends

My good friend, Dom, provided the title for this evening. And the inspiration.  His message: My  journey has just begun. His reason: Miracles never end.

Nothing really ends. It is just a new beginning, a continuation of a much larger plan.

As T.S. Eliot says perfectly:

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

T.S. Eliot — “Little Gidding” (the last of his Four Quartets)

Maybe this is mile one for me, or mile twenty of a thousand mile journey…

Does it matter how long it takes if the journey is worth taking?

When my husband and I were traveling in B.C. we saw the “100 mile house”, one of those Wild West road milestone markers along the road that meant something good at the time. Do you know what it meant more than anything else? A place to stop, rest and have a good time. To party it up a little until the next leg of the journey began.

As I eat my (second) Hagen Daz  fudgsicle this evening, after having an excellent barbecue and backyard fire with guests still awaiting my return, I feel blessed.  I have done my “30 days of miracles”, yes.  I have come far. And yet, I have more desire than ever to just keep on going. I feel excited that I could write for a very long time – possibly forever. And what a blessed life I would have.

This 30 day goal was like that post in the road, my own “100 mile house” lit in the dark that I could easily reach, gather myself and then keep on going. Since my departure night, I notice there are more people joining me on the road. Some motoring right by, some lingering awhile to talk. The smoke of the fire is rising in the night air, and there are flashes of light everywhere.  Celebrations at hand. Perhaps a feast of delight. There is no tomorrow in the night sky. Just the ending of another day.

The cycle continues. And so do I.

I may not even follow any known road at all. How can I set a goal that is yet unseen? That has never been heard? Perhaps I am the first to walk this way. Perhaps the last.

It doesn’t matter. It is my path.

P.S. Not everybody takes the same journey at the same time. I am happy, thrilled for the folks who have joined me on this one so far. I welcome more. But even then, as my friend Dom reminds me, they are encouraged to take their own journey. This is mine. Go for the gold in your own Gold-Rush dream. Maybe you will find it. Maybe you’ll get trampled in the dust! Maybe you’ll meet a friend along the way, or two or three.  Whichever way you go, take a step, and then another. I hope you find it:  whatever you are searching for. Your own miracle in whatever they seek.

To be continued…

Preamble to Day 30…

 
Where I am right now:
Undoctored.
Philosophy?
Never.
 
I’m right here, I am
Looking at you
Looking at me
No apology
That’s who I am
You see.
Let’s hit the road
 
I’m  not lying
I don’t need anything more than this,
This is perfect, right like this
That look of complaint is gone
Replaced by unclouded honesty
At home in itself.
Past landscapes,
Ever changed
The perfume of time
Richly deserving a rest
Lingers on my face and chest
Open to the sky…
 
 
Mmm… the fragrance of my body and mind
Who I am this time.

Day 29: “Just a Little Trim, Darling!”

I’ve heard that one before!  Do you remember sitting in the chair, your little five-year old legs dangling helplessly over the edge, barely able to see the mirror or defend yourself?  The scissors loom in the air, the snip-snip-snips proceed, the locks fall hopelessly lost, dangling in one last fight across your toes. Well, there it goes. All your plans and deliberations. What you thought was OK. Sliced, slithered, solemnified in a quick and careless change.

This preamble came from my husband’s suggestion that I write about cutting the lawn! Since he did it and not me, I figured that wasn’t fair. Though it looks nice enough. It reminded me of my room recently changed in an instant with new summer attire. Suddenly fresh and pretty as a rose, instead of the dark and heavy covers of winter.

I have grown used to change. Nothing really phases me – well, nothing yet.  I love it. I crave it. A new hair colour? Great! Red. A new pair of shoes? Let’s try a wedge. A change in direction, life path –  UUUURRKK!! as I put on the breaks. That is my haircut trauma of 5.  Short bangs I never asked for, and crooked no less.  All my long-lost wavy locks challenging me on the floor.  What do I do now?  Try to look cute with short hair.

This goes deeper than that, of course. But for some, their hair is as sacred as anything else. It’s just a symbol after all.

What would I like to trim now? Hmmmm…..

Here’s my wish list for my future self, a reflection in the mirror of change that I will to be in advance:

She is powerful, that is for sure. Willful at times, with a brilliant smile. White suit. Standing strong.  Helping others, speaking from her heart. Spotlight hovers. Short wavy hair. Sparkling eyes.  A song in her step. Graceful wiles.  She hands me a business card. It reads:

The Miracle is You

Do I recognize her after this life-lift? Yes, I do. That’s me, tried and true.

So when I look a-mess, and the lawn isn’t cut, or the bed is in disarray, I walk across the mirror and see her standing there, that woman in the mirror. She is gleaming still. She knows something better. There is nothing to be afraid of. Nowhere else to go. Just step in, step out, and be there.

A little change ‘ll do ya!

All the change in the world will lead me right back to YOU.

Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 27: What is a Miracle? II

I am nearing the completion of my 30-day trek, and thought it would be wise to actually address the purpose of this blog, this process, this commitment I’ve made to myself, and to whoever is reading.

What is a miracle?

A miracle is a shift in perception. It is a shift in our awareness from fear-based thinking to love. It is an expression of love that momentarily erases all sense of fear, doubt, worry, anger or misery. It is a gift both to the giver and the receiver. Its power is infinite and beyond all reasoning.

(based on A Course In Miracles)

The funny thing about miracles is that most of us need them. But they require our participation, our willingness. If we’re not willing, nothing on earth or in heaven can stop us from lying to ourselves. Anyone can drink themselves to death. The most belligerent will be the last to admit, “hey, I think I might need a hand”. But who hasn’t asked for a miracle, even the most skeptical, fearful, or bitter of us?

Recently I came across a situation that I deem to be a miracle.  I encountered a man who I found quite belligerent, or obnoxious, and aroused in me all of my petty judgements.  I immediately sparred with him (playfully) and told him what I thought. Until one moment when I really let him have it, and he looked quite surprised and said quite seriously:

“Wow, you make a lot of assumptions.”

That stopped me. “You know, you’re right. I do.” I asked him to tell me something about himself that I don’t know. He proceeded to tell me about a recent tragedy. It aroused pity in me (which might have been brilliant on his part, but I don’t think so – he didn’t get anything out of it – and he didn’t expect anything either; as he said, he was just enjoying himself and our company).

I saw the perfect opportunity to change my mind.  I apologized and we began an interesting dialogue. It made me feel more connected, more accountable. And it was fun!

He was teaching me as much as I thought I was teaching him.

So what is a miracle?

The moment I saw him and he saw me. The moment he held me accountable. The moment I recognized my mistake and responded differently. And the moment he got to see the real me:  vulnerable, powerful, honest (to a fault sometimes), and humble.

What I got from him was a piece of myself calling for attention; and what he got from me was a piece of himself he hadn’t heard from in years.

Now, that’s a miracle. It doesn’t mean everything’s all soft and mushy inside. Or that some angel has come dropped from the sky to make everything right (though I have bloody-well tried to demand it at times!).  It just means, for a moment, we got it. And if we didn’t get it, we will.

Come hell or high water.

I prefer to ride the high-wave!

Day 26: Confidence

Confidence. Where does that come from? How does one situation bring out the “worst” in us, and another the “best”?  How does something which seemed impossible and forever “Far Away” suddenly seem close, doable and “no-problemo”?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bad audition. Remember that? And how I felt “Intimidated”. I did my best. I prepared. I did everything I should. Everything! But nothing would make me feel comfortable. Something was off. And, I discovered, it wasn’t just me.

But that’s not the point. it’s not about blame. It’s not about saying “well that’s just the way it is” or “it’s this person’s fault”. Dumb people!  There is no question that some circumstances seem blessed, and others bound to fail. Maybe it’s luck, and maybe it’s something not so obvious.

In the last week and a half I’ve had 3 auditions that were very different. Do you know what changed?

Me.

I got tired of trying to please. Trying to be “on” all the time. Trying to be the “actor”.  I thought:

“What the hell do I have to lose? Why not just do it the way I want?Not try too hard – relax, go to bed early, get up, get ready and go do it.  “No big deal”.

And it wasn’t a big deal – why give it more energy than it’s worth? Why make a big fuss like I usually do (and make everyone miserable in the process)?

And it worked!  Somehow the magic spell was cast of : “No big deal”  Whether I got the part or not, I don’t know. But something in me changed.

It’s not that I didn’t care. But I cared less. I was “carefree”.

I was more concerned with myself, my own happiness, than whether I was doing it “right”, or they liked me or not.

Funny thing is, I think they did! I got some good vibes.  I didn’t get as nervous. I still did my best (but how much more can you do, really?). There was no more to do.

Where does confidence come from? Maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Grace. Maybe it’s picking your numbers right like Russian Roulette. I don’t think so.

It isn’t chance that got me this way. It’s that moment of Grace to give in and finally say – “I’m not concerned”.  “I was born this way”.  “I’m OK. I’ve got what it takes. That’s enough!  If they don’t like it – tough!”

That’s not defensive. That’s sane, right and confident.  Sometimes you have to be that way. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

Oh, I was nice. Don’t get me wrong. But not caring too much is half the charm.

roadtrip to "Confidence"

P.S. One more thing may have helped – those fancy new shoes I wore on the last day. I purchased them on a road trip to PA with my girlfriend.  Riding in a convertible with the top down,  wind in my hair, strappy sandal heels over newly painted toes  – fuschia.Something good about life, there. Something good about life, period.

There is nothing more to do tonight. Except a little glass of wine to celebrate, and relax. For another day, another surprise, another circumstance, another rainbow. Or a great big rain!. A glorious lightning show (remember, that?).

Ah, Life is Good. Let me just leave it at that.