Category Archives: 30 Days of Miracles 2011

Day 25: Fun!

FUN!
FUN!

I was going to write about Why I am Here, Part II, but again, life gets in the way! And that, my dear, is the point. Life is good. It doesn’t need to be categorized, analyzed or parlayed into anything else. It is right in front of you.

And right now, in front of me, we have  a father and daughter frolicking in a pool, a dog laying down after a good ‘ole day of playing with his doggie friends and going for an evening walk; and me, here typing to you, whatever the hell is going on in my head. But my hope is that I am able to convey not just “what is happening” but why it is important, amazing and good. Why my life is so amazing, because it is.

Am I just lucky, or have I come out of the dark and seen with new eyes?

Something to ask yourself too. Is your life not good, or are you not seeing what is good about you, about it. That is what happened to me. I was comparing my life to some superstar dream fantasy far away, and I could never live or be happy that way. Now, as I sit here, the music playing (“Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles), I dream a new dream: the dream of my life as it is now. Better than planned, appreciated beyond measure, and endlessly full of possibilities for tomorrow. No need to prolong.  Just say:

Yes, this day is enough for me! This is fun!

I am having fun. With you, with me, with everyone.

My husband, not knowing what I was writing about, just hollered from the pool:

“Hey, mommy, this is fun!”

Not kidding. There are no accidents, only appointments, she said.

This one is fun indeed.

Thank you.

Amen.

Day 24: Resistance Training

Woman Resting, Manguin, 1927

Hello all. I thought I would write about Why I am Here, Part II, but maybe that will have to wait. I have some resistance training to do. I’m actually getting pretty good at it. I lift a pound of doubt, three ounces of too tired, and three barrel-full loads of fuzzy-brained lack of desire.

Sorry, caught in inaction!

Today, for some reason I was just a bit off.  I could not think. I could not want. I could not do anything I usually do well. I did the best I could without yelling at the kids (not too much), apologized at the last possible moment before the school doors closed, and then went back home to be with myself.

What to do with that? On a day like that?

Resistance Training 101.
 
1. Do not try to do anything that seems hard, difficult, torturous.
 
2. Sit down.
 
3. Lay down your head on the arm of a chair or on a bed.
 
4. Put your feet up.
 
5. Dream. Snooze. Allow.
 

And if you can’t do that, pretend to work. Get it over with as quickly as possible and then as soon as you can, do nothing at all. Watch bad TV for 5 minutes, an hour if you can afford. Go for a walk – maybe. Do not try to write good poetry or solve anyone’s problems, including your own. Let it all go.

This was my day. I managed to accomplish some things without too much complaint (there was no one to complain to). Then I lay down.

And then, the second part of my day began…

To be continued on Day 25… (wow, I must be feeling a bit better, I’m cheating it forward 😉

Day 23: Good Enough for Me!

Yes, it’s Wednesday and I haven’t written in 2 days. After publishing my “Daily Commitment Contract” the other day I set out to avoid everything on it ’til about 11pm.  It wasn’t that bad really, I had done my morning workout at least, and I did spend the entire night with my husband. It was all good. So why do we punish ourselves when we don’t make the grade?

I’m starting to pick up the mantra, “Good Enough!” If and when you ever get tired of beating yourself up (I am), try this on for size:

I’m “Good Enough” for me!

As a matter of fact, I don’t even have time to finish this blog because I have to take both my kids to the orthodontist.

I’m a mother. How could I ever do anything perfectly?

It’s like my yoga instructor said yesterday, that her hips will never be the same since giving birth. Once you re-arrange yourself and everything in your life, including your hips, to accommodate children, you will never, never be the same.

Neither will your “to do” list.

I should have put this first on my Daily Commitment Contract:

1. I am committed to not taking myself too seriously. To enjoying myself. Then, and only then, will I look at number 2 and 3!

Amen!

Day 22: The Daily Commitment Contract

OK, so here’s where “the rubber meets the road”. A few weeks ago, I wrote about my Commitment. It was a real declaration. But how much am I really doing? How can I measure  if I am meeting my commitments, and how can I make myself more accountable? It’s all about personal integrity. But it doesn’t hurt to have a public check-in!

I’m not just talking about things I “have to do”, but things I need to do. Things that will change my life for the better (and maybe other people’s too). So, I am going to share this list with you so I can demonstrate and practice my own commitment, and hopefully inspire you too.

Here it is, my daily commitment contract (this does not include all the other things I have to do in a given day like raising kids, business tasks, house/home, putting out fires, helping friends, building new frontiers).

My Daily Commitment Contract*

1. DAILY SPIRITUAL PRACTICE Morning meditation and workout upon waking (about 6:30-7:00) before anything else where possible.

2. DAILY WRITING Daily blog for 30 Days of Miracles; plus daily script-writing for film project over the next 30 nights… with a goal of completing a working draft this summer.

3. RELATIONSHIP Daily time exploring our relationship dynamic, deepening and having more fun together, with at least 1/2 hour a night of uninterrupted time together sans TV and kids!

RULE:  NO Facebook, Twitter, email, TV (distractions) until I have done my morning work FIRST.  Same goes for the evening round. This is the hardest part!

“Commitment to Self/Core; commitment to Creative Expression; Commitment to Relationship. Then Everything Else!”

Well, that’s it folks. For now. I will be posting updates here and on Facebook (once my commitments are met, of course).  Hold me accountable, ask me how it’s going!  (Any good contract requires witnesses.) And that’s what we can do for each other.

So, what’s on your list?…

Love,

Krista

* This contract is subject to change without notice. Just kidding. However, we can be flexible 😉

Day 21: The Miracle is You

I mean that literally. The Miracle is You. I’m not being generic or metaphoric or universal in any way. For the first time, I really get it.

I sang through the weekend doing the birthday thing, kids running amok, appreciating my family, getting uptight and nervous about the quantity of young guests, the unanticipated sleepover, the never-ending hangover of more guests on Sunday. The joy of an unusual full family dinner.

Now, as I swing back to my beloved friends of this blogging world, I get this sudden feeling of  connectivity, reciprocity, understanding…

This is not just about me. This is about You. The miracle that happens to me is the same miracle that happens to you. What I write, you also live. What you live, I somehow write. How does this happen? How does this miracle happen to us both at the same time, echoing each other? You may think, How did you know that? How did you say exactly how I was feeling at this moment in time? How did you say it just like that so that it sung to my heart, spoke from my true understanding, something I hadn’t even put into words before? This is all new to me too.

All I know is, I am doing this with you

It is a chorus, a harmony, an absolute symphony. I love to write, and you hear my voice. But you don’t just hear me, you hear You! This is bizarre. Amazing. I am singing your song as much as I am singing mine. Maybe we are singing the same song!

I am honoured to be the one putting down the words because it is easy for  me. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way!” But maybe for the one who is tongue-tied or whose heart is torn apart, and can’t even begin to know how to express ‘that’, I am their God-send. Literally. That is not arrogant. As Marianne Williamson says echoing A Course in Miracles, it is not arrogant to recognize your God-given talents and use them. It is humble to witness their impact, to see God’s work at hand. To fall down on your knees and say, Thank you for using me at last!

Thank you.

Thank You for being here, for listening, for understanding, for being, for responding. Thank you for singing your chorus, your harmony. Your wave of passion, happiness, devotion.  I love our evolving collaboration, our co-witnessing each other, our evolutionary striving for something greater. An awakening of seismic proportions. Beyond Katerina, Beyond tragedy. This is the response to all of that. This is the Hope. The Dream. The Great Call to Freedom at last! This isn’t about race, sex, age or religion. This transcends all borders and boundaries we ever thought we had. This is Love itself calling to our own Selves. We are recognizing ourselves in each other’s greatness. We are witnessing the possibility of what we can be together.  Supporting each other in the Climb that has  nothing to do with ceilings or enemies or friends. This is wider, deeper, faster and more incredible than anything we ever thought we were or had. This is the mountain without peak, the river without end…

Dear God, make us Great. Make us tall. Make us realize our own potential in each other’s eyes. Let us witness and make a pact: Never again will we act small, pretend we don’t know anything. Hide in the branches of our own greatness, only to swing when we are alone. Let us join our hands. Clasp on for dear life. Let’s sing our hearts out in this, our Collective Song.

There’s no denying when you’ve heard the Call.

There’s no denying when a Miracle is born.

Thank you, God for hearing mine.

Amen.

Day 20: “Love Liberates”

Maya Angelou

I listened to Maya Angelou speaking on “Oprah’s Master Class” tonight.  “Love liberates,” she said.  What is a good teacher/friend/mother/lover? The one who loves enough to let go.

As a mother, I am beginning to learn to let go. Tomorrow is my daughter’s 9th birthday. She is now riding a 20″ bike instead of 16″.  She is also brilliant, opinionated and loving. My son is 14 and joined her on my husband’s man-size bike. He is now an excellent musician, almost as tall as me, and is a kind-hearted “young man”.  Next September he will be in high school. I am happy, excited for him. I am happy he will no longer be just around the corner, but to a a place a bit farther off, getting the best education he can (and meeting lots of  new friends!).  With Heather I have a little more time… 🙂

But as a student, I still cling to the authority of teachers. To the “A grade”.  I am getting better, admittedly. Tremendously wiser and more detached. This past year I have slowly, painfully learned I was wrong to sacrifice my present happiness for approval, acceptance.  I had been well-trained to pursue, to excel at what I do. But the things I cherish most in my life now have nothing to do with that. It took me embarking on a new path to discover this for myself.  It is time to grow up.

This “clinging to the guru” can sometimes take on an unpleasant scent – one of self-sacrifice and onerous intent. What/who am I doing this for?  When you have signed a contract you usually know what is expected of each party.   One may want to extend the contract to infinity and beyond. The other may want to move on. What is right?

At what point do you say, enough is enough? With compassion, I am ready to move on. I must walk my walk. Sing my Song!  

Inspired by Maya’s words, I wrote these power statements:

Even as they try to hold me,
I let go.
 
I am not bound to anyone
I already belong.
 
There is no separation, lack or need
In the darkness they will be freed.
 
No one has the power to bind me ever again
Today I walk in peace.

Anyone who tries to bind you is working from the ego, not love.  This is what Maya Angelou said. And I know this.  But I also know, no matter who you are dealing with (teacher/friend/student); if one is in pain or spent, their only need is compassion, not rejection. Letting go in love is the answer.

I have learned this lesson: “I have  everything. I can afford to be generous.”

Somehow, somewhere, I have become the teacher. 

Amen.

Day 19: Gratitude, My Tiny Listless Friend

beloved

beloved*

This is what came to me while silencing the creeping need to fret away the time…  a moment of grace in a busy day.

GRATITUDE

I am exposed
Half  hairs showing
Fingernails too long
Guff and scarred
But still growing
I am not a mystic warrior
With supporters beckoning from behind
I need to assert myself
Delve in
Not mistake countenance
for sustenance
 Not for a moment forsake
The purpose I am here.
 I need to keep going
Offering up
Hands bent back and afraid
– And  yet –
The frightened stares of my intellect
Are no match
For my tiny, listless Friend.

Why is this called gratitude? It occurred to me too. A little strange, but somehow true. All that chaotic intellect shining and getting in the way; all the competing voices yelling this way – no, that-a-way! All the uncertainties with puffed chest standing in the way…

And yet, this voice comes. This voice that tells you no, not that way.  You are here for a reason. All this will go away. Keep writing. Keep going, though your neck be too long, or your will not that strong. Keep fighting past the insecurities that time throws in the way. It will all go away.

And in the meantime, when you are silent, and no one is around, this voice will find you.  Your one, true, tiny and listless Friend. She will comfort you. She will ring true. She will be your one true confider, who will tell you: it won’t be long now. Just keep going.

The world awaits you.

Amen.

*This work is part of a poetry collection Krista has published on Amazon called “Song of the Beloved”.  The First edition is now available on Kindle, but it is continually being updated.

Day 18: Intimidated

Today I feel intimidated. I am afraid to write this post!  I am embarrassed that someone will read it, which they probably will! So I told my son who is a musician and can understand this kind of fear, and he said:

“Write like no one will read it. You can always worry about it later.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?

Last night I was wildly embarrassed about my post and deleted it on Facebook (you can read it here if you want – I am committed and it remains Day 17).  I suddenly felt more aware that people are watching, reading my work. I was becoming afraid of my audience! This is not good!

What do I do about that? I have learned soooooo  many ways to deal with that feeling of Intimidation. There is no one (at least not openly) judging me, certainly not as harshly as I judge myself. And a lot of folks have been quite nice. I just didn’t want to have to go through it, this feeling. AGAIN! Why can’t I get this right? After all, I am well-trained, highly evolved! I should know better, Damnit!

But, here I am. Embarrassed. Intimidated.

But wait – why is my life so amazing? Isn’t that what this blog is for?  Yes, it is. I have no excuses. My crybaby worries won’t work anymore. I’m not getting out of this.

Nor could I get out of my audition today: the things I had to do to prepare; the nice man I was supposed to audition with but had to go in with someone else instead; the courage I felt in doing my best despite awkward glances; the compassion I showed myself by saying “thank you very much”, and patting myself on the back, even if I hadn’t really “nailed” it.  Despite all of that, and the dusty hot streets I encountered as I walked to the car…  I felt good.

I wasn’t afraid anymore. Not because my source of discomfort was gone, but because it didn’t really matter anymore. I was there for a time: I connected, I shared, I laughed, I sighed. And now it was time to move on.

I am still here and my whole life as well.

At least I am not intimidated by her anymore, that little girl inside myself. I have come to love her qualities, the different temperatures and landscapes of her inner world; I am beginning to see them as passing mist, nothing to get too worked up about. And sometimes, to even cherish awhile.

When I got home, there was a pool to put up, kids to feed, a dog freshly groomed and running about. Happiness filled the moist, grassy air…

It was heaven on earth.

Oh, what was I so worried about?

P.S. I can’t say I followed my son’s advice to the rule, or that I “nailed” my post either, but at least I did it.  And so, I  continue another day. Amen.