Tag Archives: 30 days of miracles

The Climb

Last night I had a dream, that I was readying myself for a trip in one scene, preparing my documents, determined to go.  In the next scene was a tall ladder attached to a very high slide in a park. 

I was moving toward the kids in the park, my dog dancing at my heels excitedly.  Once I approached the rails, there was no one left in front of me. It was quiet.  I climbed. The sky was perfectly blue and clear…  

I am re-publishing this blog post/poem, “The Climb”,  from my 2011’s “30 Days of Miracles”, in honour of my dream last night, and as entry point into this week’s theme: “Miracles Require Courage”.  

I hope you enjoy your mountainous climb…   

 

 mountaintop climb

 

1
 
 “Jump off the high dive, woman.”
She looks at him.
No.
Yes.
No.
“OK, have it your way.”
He picks her up and throws her in.
 
2
 
“Jump off the high dive, damnit.”
“NO. I can’t.”
“Yes you can.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Yes you will if I have anything to do with it.”
She pauses.
He smiles.
She runs.
He chases her.
She jumps in.
 
3
 
 “Go on, you can do it.”
“I know” she says and smiles.
But she doesn’t.
He pauses.
She looks at him.
“Why should I?” she asks.
“What are you waiting for?” he answers.
He waits.
She goes and climbs the first step.
 
4
 
“It’s cold up here.”
“So.”
“I’m hungry. I want to come down now.”
“No.”
“Why?” she asks again.
“Because you don’t want to.”
“OK.”
She goes one step further.
 
5
 
“It’s high up here.”
“I know.”
“What should I do now?”
“I can’t hear you…”
She contemplates.
Nobody is there.
She is all alone.
What do I do now?
Keep going.
She doesn’t go.
She tries to come back down,
But something keeps drawing her nearer.
 
6
 
She comes back down and rests.
She does other things to distract herself.
He doesn’t care.
He waits for her.
Then, when she is ready, she asks him again.
“What should I do now? Go again? Do you want me to?”
“Do you?”
“I do. Something is calling me nearer.”
“Then go if you want to. Do it.”
 
7
 
She goes again,
This time she is one step nearer.
Suddenly there is a crowd.
Only a few looking up at her.
She is doing something newer.
They are cheering for her.
This is fun again.
She climbs to the top and takes a peek at all there is to see.
She freaks and comes back down.
They pat her on the back, but she has a frown.
“What’s the matter?” they ask.
“I didn’t do it yet. I pretended to. I didn’t climb the whole way. I didn’t jump off.”
“So. You tried. That is enough.”
“NO. I want to go again.”
“Good. Then go.”
 
8
 
This time there is no one around.
She creeps out into the night.
She climbs the ladder fully and stands at the top.
She sings her song to the mountaintops and the trees.
She is free.
No one is listening
Or so she thinks.
In the morning there are people everywhere,
Crowding her for a time,
Congratulating her on her mountainous climb.
She is dumfounded.
 
“How did you know?”
 
“We could hear you.”

 

 

P.S. This time, after hovering between 6 and 7, I am nearing number 8. Where are you?

 

Miracle 23: “The Miracle of Love”

Bud Opening – Photo by Patty O’Hearn Kickam 2007

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

                                                                                           – Anais Nin

 Today’s miracle was taken from an audio that came through the process of forgiveness and allowing.  This is a transcription of that audio.  The audio is available to those who signed up for “30 Days of Miracles” on the “Subscriber Audio” page.

Today I awoke and came outside. I’m sitting out on the lounger and the sun is rising over my house, and I realize there is a part of me that has numbed out, that is afraid to open my heart again.

There is a part of me that gives everything in a moment and then pulls everything away.  When things don’t work out the way I want them to, or a person fails me in some way, or I fail myself, or even question my faith (is this just randomness and mistakes?)…

On a deeper level I know this is not true, because I see the miracles that happen in relationship.  And when everything seems to be going wrong, when there are tears and heartache, pain and separation, when I start to imagine what the other person is thinking without really knowing what is true, and then defend myself in my mind by shutting down… This is a mistake we all make at times when life is difficult and hard. And when my fragile heart is just too afraid to open again, like that tiny bud that is so tight it cannot possibly fathom the light.

 Today I open myself to a miracle, that that tiny bud inside of me and inside of you, might feel the warmth of the light upon it, and DARE to raise its head and open again knowing that the beauty and the love and the peacefulness and the happiness that comes from opening ourselves to joy, to love, no matter how hard they may be – that those openings and those gifts are worth it. 

Our human mind closes down when it is not safe to love – we might get disappointed, or someone may turn around and say something that we don’t like or didn’t expect, or they may go away, or we may decide it’s too late, and that we have to go our own way. These things are not what love is all about.  And yet, at the same time, the world is the way the world is…

A miracle is the forgiveness that happens regardless what the external circumstances looks like,  that no matter what we’ve decided to do or say, or not do, or not say, at the deepest level, the sun is rising over us, at the deepest level the bud is opening, at the deepest level that person loves us, and at the deepest level we know that love is real and true, golden and pure.

Our human minds may not allow us to achieve love the way we would like to in this world, but when we get a glimpse of it, we know that its true – it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth rising up for, it’s worth forgiving and asking for a miracle instead.   How that may look we do not know, whether it’s a conversation, a letter that we write to ourselves or to another, a prayer in the hidden parts of our heart, walk on the beach, a sacred trek, or just a simple moment of forgiveness and curiosity, open to the answer that we don’t have, knowing that any answer that we come up with is just a defense.

Love is sacred and true, no matter what the world looks like, no matter what we do.

Keep hold of this today, as I do, as I feel the sun on my face, knowing that the miracle of love will always rise again in our hearts, and that our minds, too, will open like a lantern to receive it, and to allow it, that deeper connection that we all crave, and that we all know in some secret place in our hearts still exists and always will.

For this I say,

Amen.

 

What is your miracle of love?  Who can you forgive today? Can you forgive yourself? Can you allow that tiny bud in your heart to open once more to love, and allow Love’s Light to shine on it again?

Miracle 11: “Mystical, Magical Morning”

Miracle 11 came suddenly, inspired by my friend, Linda LaClaire’s beautiful share of her feast from Miracle 7 “A Feast Within”. This is for you, dear friend, Miracle 11 of  “30 Days of Miracles 2012”.

 

Step lightly on the world. Don’t tread too heavily

on the morning feast.

Smell the earth,

See the swagger stems sway from a bushel

lightly trespassing

against marigolds and

picture perfect windows panes.

 

Soften your eyes….  with sweet surprise,

rumbling thunder clouds roll

in, crowding the spaces

once occupied by butterflies.  Run for

cover, little things!

Your vanquished hearts will soon be recompensed

with a burst of sunshine

and  sun droplets.  

Sing!

 

 Parade in marigold

philosophy, boundless

energy, storms of

delight, circumspect

entry into a world

of fossils and dreams.

Heartache passed, like dewy

wood gone to sleep.

a hollow log for an

otter’s feast. Sleep

sweet creature,

Sleep!

 

Mmmm… I am awakened

and renewed silent

though my pen is

gently stirring, stewed.

Books to read, syrupy

sweet delicious buttercups

to eat. Hello to the

coffee grinds and Saturday morning

breeze. Enough, enough to eat.

Breathe!

 

Ooooh... sweet companion,

this world, our dream.

In You, I see.

Love and suffer nothing, not when

your eyes alight with me.

In You, I

See!

 

Thank you sweet swell of Life,

for coffee cups and butter-

cups and your words which

haunt and hold me, renewing

my mind. Smell the

earth open on hallowed

ground, opening   W   i   d   e

 

Mystical, magical morning…

 

Say yes with me,

Powerfully — profoundly

Boldly, Yes!

Yes, Sweet Life, 

YES!

 

 

 P.S. What did you notice this morning? What was stirring within your awakened, nourishing Soul Space?  Celebrate your YES below.

Ready or Not

I’ve been doing a little humming and hawing lately about sharing my most recent ventures. I so want to share with you what is percolating within and without, but timing is everything, right?

Well, not really! Sometimes I find waiting is detrimental to the soul. And I find my greatest insight from sharing.

So, here it goes…

4. Resting in the Universe

 

Yesterday, as I lay on my chaise lounge outside under the grand maple tree, the only word that came to me was

“Mmmmm….”

I did not feel it through my body, as a yogi does, but I felt it through my mind, through my pores, through the trees. I felt nothing but the breeze, and my own breath on my hand.

There  is a silence so deep, that even while the torrent speaks, the breath is silently gumming the words peace. There is no word there. There is just the delicious smell of existence. Of water. Of poetry. Of united. Basking in the glow. There is no tomorrow. Nothing to shed. Nowhere to go.

Sheltered in the trees, in the breeze, I wondered if my life were too easy. Why am I not in a war-torn country? Why am I not speaking to millions on TV? Why am I just laying here soaking up the rays and quietly counting the days, the words I sing to you…

Because I have to. Nothing else matters right  now. Nothing else sings to me but my own song of patience and self-sacrifice. When I say sacrifice I mean it in the most spiritual sense. Nothing real is forsaken. Nothing is lost. Only the ego, which I cling to still, for solidarity, speaks to me and asks to “check-in.”

There is a softness now that never was before.  The sharp edges of existence, the need to have, to want, to make happen, have disappeared. When they revisit me, they are on a mission –  not from my ego – but from God.  Never have I felt so naked as now, bearing my soul to you. Telling the truth, even as I know it, discover it, express it, find it. It is You. I am bonded to the word: I Am.  Someone said that to me today, M-, and I laughed. I discovered her smile and her laugh, her faith in me. I understood. There is imminent silence in our shaking of hands, in the colours and light, the attitude.  A softness, a gathering, a united feeling. A warming of hands, a sparkling of eyes.

It is as if the softness and colours of the trees visit me, even as I sit in another place, on a porch swing, in a sanctuary space, in a crowd of onlookers, or when I am asked to speak. A Presence follows me, a calm and natural feeling. I am safe. There is no hesitance in my speech. I am safe. There is no precedent for it. Nothing to profit by. I am just being myself.

Mmmmm……

That is all I feel now.  A soft inner understanding, a great patience and rest. The rest is safe. It can wait. For me, for Him, for whatever moves through me. It will come. “I” no longer matter. My ego pretends it matters a great deal. But I know differently. No clocks tick my impatience awake. Even as I sit tonight, late, I am soft, I am loose, my belly curved. My eyes soft on the “page”. It is night. It is day. Whatever time it is, I am safe. I am at play.

I hardly know what to dedicate this to anymore. There is a harmony, a blending; I am surrounded by people, new voices, questions, supplications, invitations. I hardly know what to say. Except –

Mmmmmmm…… and just breathe it all in.

Yes, it is good. I may protest a bit, but not enough to stop this wind from blowing and dashing my protest to bits, leaving me dangling by the leaf on my  hand.

It’s enough.

It is night. And the soft stars are staring their surprise back at me. The force of all is knowing, spinning, vertical. Lifting us up beyond the trees. The knowing stars are shining, and You, You are too. However you wait, however long. Whatever you do. You are knowing too.

Amen.

Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 27: What is a Miracle? II

I am nearing the completion of my 30-day trek, and thought it would be wise to actually address the purpose of this blog, this process, this commitment I’ve made to myself, and to whoever is reading.

What is a miracle?

A miracle is a shift in perception. It is a shift in our awareness from fear-based thinking to love. It is an expression of love that momentarily erases all sense of fear, doubt, worry, anger or misery. It is a gift both to the giver and the receiver. Its power is infinite and beyond all reasoning.

(based on A Course In Miracles)

The funny thing about miracles is that most of us need them. But they require our participation, our willingness. If we’re not willing, nothing on earth or in heaven can stop us from lying to ourselves. Anyone can drink themselves to death. The most belligerent will be the last to admit, “hey, I think I might need a hand”. But who hasn’t asked for a miracle, even the most skeptical, fearful, or bitter of us?

Recently I came across a situation that I deem to be a miracle.  I encountered a man who I found quite belligerent, or obnoxious, and aroused in me all of my petty judgements.  I immediately sparred with him (playfully) and told him what I thought. Until one moment when I really let him have it, and he looked quite surprised and said quite seriously:

“Wow, you make a lot of assumptions.”

That stopped me. “You know, you’re right. I do.” I asked him to tell me something about himself that I don’t know. He proceeded to tell me about a recent tragedy. It aroused pity in me (which might have been brilliant on his part, but I don’t think so – he didn’t get anything out of it – and he didn’t expect anything either; as he said, he was just enjoying himself and our company).

I saw the perfect opportunity to change my mind.  I apologized and we began an interesting dialogue. It made me feel more connected, more accountable. And it was fun!

He was teaching me as much as I thought I was teaching him.

So what is a miracle?

The moment I saw him and he saw me. The moment he held me accountable. The moment I recognized my mistake and responded differently. And the moment he got to see the real me:  vulnerable, powerful, honest (to a fault sometimes), and humble.

What I got from him was a piece of myself calling for attention; and what he got from me was a piece of himself he hadn’t heard from in years.

Now, that’s a miracle. It doesn’t mean everything’s all soft and mushy inside. Or that some angel has come dropped from the sky to make everything right (though I have bloody-well tried to demand it at times!).  It just means, for a moment, we got it. And if we didn’t get it, we will.

Come hell or high water.

I prefer to ride the high-wave!

Day 26: Confidence

Confidence. Where does that come from? How does one situation bring out the “worst” in us, and another the “best”?  How does something which seemed impossible and forever “Far Away” suddenly seem close, doable and “no-problemo”?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bad audition. Remember that? And how I felt “Intimidated”. I did my best. I prepared. I did everything I should. Everything! But nothing would make me feel comfortable. Something was off. And, I discovered, it wasn’t just me.

But that’s not the point. it’s not about blame. It’s not about saying “well that’s just the way it is” or “it’s this person’s fault”. Dumb people!  There is no question that some circumstances seem blessed, and others bound to fail. Maybe it’s luck, and maybe it’s something not so obvious.

In the last week and a half I’ve had 3 auditions that were very different. Do you know what changed?

Me.

I got tired of trying to please. Trying to be “on” all the time. Trying to be the “actor”.  I thought:

“What the hell do I have to lose? Why not just do it the way I want?Not try too hard – relax, go to bed early, get up, get ready and go do it.  “No big deal”.

And it wasn’t a big deal – why give it more energy than it’s worth? Why make a big fuss like I usually do (and make everyone miserable in the process)?

And it worked!  Somehow the magic spell was cast of : “No big deal”  Whether I got the part or not, I don’t know. But something in me changed.

It’s not that I didn’t care. But I cared less. I was “carefree”.

I was more concerned with myself, my own happiness, than whether I was doing it “right”, or they liked me or not.

Funny thing is, I think they did! I got some good vibes.  I didn’t get as nervous. I still did my best (but how much more can you do, really?). There was no more to do.

Where does confidence come from? Maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Grace. Maybe it’s picking your numbers right like Russian Roulette. I don’t think so.

It isn’t chance that got me this way. It’s that moment of Grace to give in and finally say – “I’m not concerned”.  “I was born this way”.  “I’m OK. I’ve got what it takes. That’s enough!  If they don’t like it – tough!”

That’s not defensive. That’s sane, right and confident.  Sometimes you have to be that way. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

Oh, I was nice. Don’t get me wrong. But not caring too much is half the charm.

roadtrip to "Confidence"

P.S. One more thing may have helped – those fancy new shoes I wore on the last day. I purchased them on a road trip to PA with my girlfriend.  Riding in a convertible with the top down,  wind in my hair, strappy sandal heels over newly painted toes  – fuschia.Something good about life, there. Something good about life, period.

There is nothing more to do tonight. Except a little glass of wine to celebrate, and relax. For another day, another surprise, another circumstance, another rainbow. Or a great big rain!. A glorious lightning show (remember, that?).

Ah, Life is Good. Let me just leave it at that.