This is in answer to Miracle 17: “A Miracle Requires Work” (contributed by my friend, Dom Castanza). Thank you, Dom. And here is what I could not articulate last night. Miracle 18 of “30 Days of Miracles 2012″.
I have not been unscarred by life, by disappointment. I am not a perfect human being. There have been many cases when what I hoped for, what I thought was going to happen, never did. I have also received tremendous gifts in answer to my prayers. Unexpected blossomings, savings and messages.
When I was 25 years old, I planted seeds in a garden. These were not normal seeds. They were seeds from a cantaloupe I was eating in my kitchen, in a small town, overlooking a sod farm. It was a lovely place, and had its charm, but something about it wasn’t for me. I felt a dry kind of existence there, a lack of antiquity, art, interest, pizzazz, LIFE.
I worked 9 to 5 (or 10 to 6) and travelled an hour and a half to work each way. I went to school at night, driving up one of those small country highway roads surrounded by corn fields. It was dark and my headlights were of no help. On the radio I would listen to those late night radio programs to help me stay awake. Once I fell asleep at the wheel, I was so tired from my travels. I suddenly felt a hard whack on my forehead which woke me up. I was in the car alone. I had no idea what it was, but I said, Thank You.
I graduated and had a baby, one of my dreams come true. But postpartum depression hit me, and my life slowly fell apart. I lay awake at night feeling that I would die.
Now, while I was going through this, I was reading. I was praying. I was down on my knees. I was imagining, maybe not “intentionally”, but in my desperate hour, of a greater life. I had no idea how that would come to pass. I felt hopeless and lost. Nor was I willing at the time to change anything – I was married and that was that. I appreciated what I had. But I felt stuck, terrified.
It wasn’t until I planted those seeds unwittingly and said a strange, meditative prayer over my own “inner field” that something shifted for me. I prayed for the kind of relationship I wanted, the kind of environment for my children, the kind of creative life I wanted to explore, the feeling of freedom and honesty and love, things I was willing to fight for.
A few months later, I got some help. First, medical. Then, emotional. Always, spiritual. Six months later, I met a man who would change things forever. I moved out and got a place of my own. I joined the theatre and had fun. My world was never the same.
Those seeds were planted when I felt lost at sea, with no land in sight. I had no idea how I would manifest those things, I only felt them in my heart and saw them in my mind.
I believe faith brought them to me. Yes, I worked for it, I moved, I took a stand. But what moved me? What brought those people into my life? I believe Christ – the Light in all of us – knows the way.
The Holy Spirit dwells in your heart and responds to your every request. You have to be willing to go there. It wasn’t until I fell apart that I opened my arms up wide. Surrendered my old ways. Prayed. Freed myself from the confines of the small table I had set for myself, and instead sat down with those sent for me at God’s Great Buffet.
My life is different today. I have everything in truth I wished for. And I still dream of more. I’m not always satisfied. I sometimes fall down or feel a sense of sacrifice. There are still bigger dreams to live. But my family is safe. Sacred. Perfect for me. And I have the freedom to go beyond what I know today.
In time I will open my arms even wider, perhaps my largest wings yet. Today I pray for this. Let’s see what faith can do. Let’s see what my open heart and mind can let in.
Faith is the elixir that allows Love’s Light to shine. It is true. It is not belief. It is knowledge unseen. Purpose grown wide and strong. Deliverance.
Faith is not wishful thinking. It is the miraculous reinvention of your life. It is the perfect answer to the quiet question of your heart, or to your deepest darkest hour. But you have to let it in. You have to expect that your answer will come, and move with faith in its sure direction.
Life is full of surprises. And in my darkest hour, the light has always shone the brightest.
A man can move a boulder up a hill
But
Faith moves mountains.
What does faith mean to you? What does a miracle take to make it to you or through you? If you could change one thing, and have one ounce of faith that it was a possibility, what would it be?
