Tag Archives: forgiveness

Miracle 27: “Harmony Song”

 Imagine a man and woman sitting on a beach, sharing their stories. They hardly know each other, they are just friends, new to each other, yet holding ancient keys. In between them rests Epiphany.  Two years later there is emptiness, an empty chair, as they carry on with their lives.  Their stories seem to cease.  Are kept in silent symmetry.  Time passes, and they go on producing, creating, living. They go on in faith, forgiving.  Tears come and cease.  Learning never seems to end. Is there a final word for this? A story that can be told out in the open? Maybe someday.

The silent heart of a woman rarely speaks, but when it does, it is a torrent, a tornado, a tsunami of consciousness. Creative, Loving, Whole. And when she lets go, it is as if the wave that once held her catches her and drags her along. Buried by her own quest. Afraid of the long-forgotten current or song.  Oh song! Don’t break me, carry me out, release me and carry me along.  I will not crumble, I will not quake. I can take the great tornado of my own Song. For I do not, will not sing alone!

*       *       *

What causes this great change?  This great awakening?  Yes, it seems we must push ourselves, or be pushed to the brink, before we listen, we hear. I have no idea what combination of grace this rests on (miracles, magic, hard work, fate?), but in my experience it is always mixed with a bit of joy, and many tears.

Why do we cry? One woman asked me in our women’s circle. She almost felt left out, like she wasn’t working hard enough. But what makes me cry is deliverance, from the very “working hard enough”, trying too hard to hold it all together, keep everything sane and clear, to complete abandonment – of an old way, an old scheme, an old love, an old dream. It is earth shattering at times, and sublime. I don’t know what makes this happen, but I see it all the time. Its potential is in us all, and we are in it or ready for it, or not at all. No one can make us go there. We are strong enough if we are here, or we wouldn’t be here.

I am comforted by all your stories, and the pattern I see. Highly successful women and men reaching epiphany. It is time. What can we give?  What can I do? Everything, and nothing. It will happen anyway. It is inevitable. Painful at times. Like a river running through me, jammed up by rocks, then bursting through. Oh! To be released from the earthly pleasures and pains! To be united again, and not suffer so. What is this pain? What is this suffering? Forgetfulness, and then unity. We will be there again, we will find our way back home. In each other, in a prayer, in hope, in letting go.

It seems today you wrote me. I feel it all. And yet, glory is still possible – true glory, and true pleasure – reaching for the greatest gift of all. The Miracle of You – the partner, the friend, the lover, the fighter, nature, dog, child, lover. It doesn’t matter who. They all seap through. It is YOU! We are craving for, inviting in. Whoever you are. Love us, guide us, (torture us!), heal our wounds. Never again will we be alone. We invite you in to a Harmony Song. Never again uninvited. United. Befriended. Friend to All.  Amen.

Thank you all.

Miracle 23: “The Miracle of Love”

Bud Opening – Photo by Patty O’Hearn Kickam 2007

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

                                                                                           – Anais Nin

 Today’s miracle was taken from an audio that came through the process of forgiveness and allowing.  This is a transcription of that audio.  The audio is available to those who signed up for “30 Days of Miracles” on the “Subscriber Audio” page.

Today I awoke and came outside. I’m sitting out on the lounger and the sun is rising over my house, and I realize there is a part of me that has numbed out, that is afraid to open my heart again.

There is a part of me that gives everything in a moment and then pulls everything away.  When things don’t work out the way I want them to, or a person fails me in some way, or I fail myself, or even question my faith (is this just randomness and mistakes?)…

On a deeper level I know this is not true, because I see the miracles that happen in relationship.  And when everything seems to be going wrong, when there are tears and heartache, pain and separation, when I start to imagine what the other person is thinking without really knowing what is true, and then defend myself in my mind by shutting down… This is a mistake we all make at times when life is difficult and hard. And when my fragile heart is just too afraid to open again, like that tiny bud that is so tight it cannot possibly fathom the light.

 Today I open myself to a miracle, that that tiny bud inside of me and inside of you, might feel the warmth of the light upon it, and DARE to raise its head and open again knowing that the beauty and the love and the peacefulness and the happiness that comes from opening ourselves to joy, to love, no matter how hard they may be – that those openings and those gifts are worth it. 

Our human mind closes down when it is not safe to love – we might get disappointed, or someone may turn around and say something that we don’t like or didn’t expect, or they may go away, or we may decide it’s too late, and that we have to go our own way. These things are not what love is all about.  And yet, at the same time, the world is the way the world is…

A miracle is the forgiveness that happens regardless what the external circumstances looks like,  that no matter what we’ve decided to do or say, or not do, or not say, at the deepest level, the sun is rising over us, at the deepest level the bud is opening, at the deepest level that person loves us, and at the deepest level we know that love is real and true, golden and pure.

Our human minds may not allow us to achieve love the way we would like to in this world, but when we get a glimpse of it, we know that its true – it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth rising up for, it’s worth forgiving and asking for a miracle instead.   How that may look we do not know, whether it’s a conversation, a letter that we write to ourselves or to another, a prayer in the hidden parts of our heart, walk on the beach, a sacred trek, or just a simple moment of forgiveness and curiosity, open to the answer that we don’t have, knowing that any answer that we come up with is just a defense.

Love is sacred and true, no matter what the world looks like, no matter what we do.

Keep hold of this today, as I do, as I feel the sun on my face, knowing that the miracle of love will always rise again in our hearts, and that our minds, too, will open like a lantern to receive it, and to allow it, that deeper connection that we all crave, and that we all know in some secret place in our hearts still exists and always will.

For this I say,

Amen.

 

What is your miracle of love?  Who can you forgive today? Can you forgive yourself? Can you allow that tiny bud in your heart to open once more to love, and allow Love’s Light to shine on it again?

Miracle 21: “Second Chance”

Power & Love cards – Goddess Tarot

If you could revisit a part of your history, would you? Or be given a second chance to get it right, now, in the present. Completely new. Forgiven. Would you?

There are parts in my history I can’t yet talk about. I write them for myself. They are hard lessons, and sometimes, even the most miraculous events. But they are personal. And so I shield them, even from myself. When something goes awry, or is misunderstood, there is a vacancy, a request, a longing. An unfinished story that needs entering into.

Or does it? Is it dead or just resting? Is it dangerous, or a calculated risk, one worth taking?

These are the questions which plague me sometimes on my live wire of life. (Was very glad the fine young gentleman, Nik Wellanda made it across Niagara Falls! Believe me, I was holding my breath, but I knew he wouldn’t fall).  It was a part of his history too, and a part of his destiny. It took guts, faith and charisma. And he didn’t fall.

What makes us great when we’ve made a mistake, or think we haven’t lived up to that call? Do we try again? Do we risk it all? Risk the fall? Or take another route, find another way?

When I listen, this is what I hear:

You didn’t make a big mistake. You arrived here, that’s all. You were brave. You just miss it, but you haven’t missed anything at all. You only think you missed it, but maybe “it” missed you, maybe you’re the one whose

worth all the trouble, who’s got it all. Maybe your happiness is realizing there’s nothing “out there” at all. All your guts, charisma, chutzpah, dynamism, skill, lighting rod smile – all of it – is in here all the while. It’s waiting for YOU to come out, to visit  – that’s all. You haven’t missed IT!

You have a second chance to come out of hiding – THAT’S ALL!

Wisdom card – Goddess Tarot

This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. I often given credit to other people for my progress, my breakthroughs, my good times, even my talent or abilities. I forget that what they were so struck with when they met me, and what made me feel so good about myself, was them recognizing my true self.  They let my light shine – or I did!  Their gift in the relationship was calling me out of my shell, helping me see myself more clearly, giving me a little push – or pull out of that well.

No one can make you who you are. And no one – I mean no one, can take who you are away from you.  Your life is never over just because someone else moved on – or you.  Your life has just begun – again and again and again!

I feel calmed and happy to know that I will always have great people in my life who make me feel good, and I’m grateful. But when I’m missing someone, or feel I’ve done something wrong, or missed an opportunity, I know, I know, I know – I have to stop pretending – I didn’t do something wrong – I did what I had to do to move on.

And sometimes my miracle or second chance is not reconciliation or remembering, but Revelation. Illumination – on a part of myself I left behind, on the truth of what still lies ahead.  I recover her (my true, vulnerable self), dust her off, love her, heal her, dry her aching bones and give her a nice back massage.  Speak from the sore-heart places and resurrect her dreams and visions. And when I am done I don’t feel I’ve missed anything at all. I feel I’ve recognized, finally, again, maybe for the never last time, a new YOU/ME/IT – the vanquished dream has come to life again, and my second chance is a banquet.

I am host, and you’re invited!

 

 

 What is your second chance about? What part of yourself did you only think you left behind? How about drawing him/her back out and giving yourself another chance.

 

 

 

Re-Vision

“Be still when you have nothing to say. When genuine passion moves you, say it hot.”  D.H. Lawrence

RE-VISION

 
I have learned to stop
the chatter-box
when the motor is not running
when there is no knowing
I drift paralyzed
drag my eyes across the
surface of the water
unclear what is below
 
And then as I approach
something familiar, something dear
that rises within me
like a steeple turned
in on itself
Poking me on to say what
I came to say
 
I rise
I venture forth
with grace
with attitude
with a smile
with ferocity
 
I make no apologies
because there is no
mistake
others quake in their shoes

by Krista Moore

I Can Only Be Me

Today I have had a bit of a day. You know what I mean? I really can’t say I was happy today, and that bothers me. I have been so conscious lately of my effect on the world – meaning my little family, friends, work, what I can perceive as being around me. I don’t even realize all the ripples that go out beyond that!

No, today I feel like I failed at being me. Does that sound crazy, or what?! But it’s true. When you come in contact with your “best me” it is very hard indeed to fallback into the old patterns of “poor me”.  And it is very hard for others when we fail to deliver the best of what we can be.

All of us are human, and thankfully, that includes me. I have to remember that as I am walking uphill with my dog pulling me very hard from in front. Staggering to catch up with myself, grumpy and  mean, sad even.  I don’t need to explain. You know the feeling.

It doesn’t matter “why” we are sad, mad, very angry or even glad. What matters is that we recognize we are HUMAN after all. We are a SPECTRUM of varying colors and patterns. And although I loath to admit that I might be weaved into some undeniable shape or pattern, it seems to be. I fight it, I try to rework it, I struggle and want to tug and pull and tear it to pieces sometimes. But, it’s me. All of it.

Now, what is this pattern/shape/colour?  Is it real. Is it something to get all worked up about? Are our failings so important? Is our bad day really such a big deal? Or is it all surreal… A cloud over a darkened sky – an inconceivable darkness that just won’t seem to go away – all the while knowing that tomorrow is ‘another day’.

I know it is and will be. I have experienced the colours and shapes of my fabric on life, my ‘take’ that varies from day to day. These variations make it all the more obvious to me that I don’t really have a clear picture at all. That my moods and variations are really a seam, a division, a kind of separation.  I don’t see what is behind me or before me, above me or below  me.

I don’t really see.

This is good news!  Like a giant sleeping in the grass, who doesn’t know how big he is until he stands. All he sees is the tiny grass waving in his hands and the dark and scary night.  He has  no idea that he is surrounded by a tiny world in great need of what he brings. His strength, his power, his gentleness.

the unhappy giant

Yes, even a giant can be kind, though he may appear to be quite grumpy to those running beneath his feet.

Day 27: What is a Miracle? II

I am nearing the completion of my 30-day trek, and thought it would be wise to actually address the purpose of this blog, this process, this commitment I’ve made to myself, and to whoever is reading.

What is a miracle?

A miracle is a shift in perception. It is a shift in our awareness from fear-based thinking to love. It is an expression of love that momentarily erases all sense of fear, doubt, worry, anger or misery. It is a gift both to the giver and the receiver. Its power is infinite and beyond all reasoning.

(based on A Course In Miracles)

The funny thing about miracles is that most of us need them. But they require our participation, our willingness. If we’re not willing, nothing on earth or in heaven can stop us from lying to ourselves. Anyone can drink themselves to death. The most belligerent will be the last to admit, “hey, I think I might need a hand”. But who hasn’t asked for a miracle, even the most skeptical, fearful, or bitter of us?

Recently I came across a situation that I deem to be a miracle.  I encountered a man who I found quite belligerent, or obnoxious, and aroused in me all of my petty judgements.  I immediately sparred with him (playfully) and told him what I thought. Until one moment when I really let him have it, and he looked quite surprised and said quite seriously:

“Wow, you make a lot of assumptions.”

That stopped me. “You know, you’re right. I do.” I asked him to tell me something about himself that I don’t know. He proceeded to tell me about a recent tragedy. It aroused pity in me (which might have been brilliant on his part, but I don’t think so – he didn’t get anything out of it – and he didn’t expect anything either; as he said, he was just enjoying himself and our company).

I saw the perfect opportunity to change my mind.  I apologized and we began an interesting dialogue. It made me feel more connected, more accountable. And it was fun!

He was teaching me as much as I thought I was teaching him.

So what is a miracle?

The moment I saw him and he saw me. The moment he held me accountable. The moment I recognized my mistake and responded differently. And the moment he got to see the real me:  vulnerable, powerful, honest (to a fault sometimes), and humble.

What I got from him was a piece of myself calling for attention; and what he got from me was a piece of himself he hadn’t heard from in years.

Now, that’s a miracle. It doesn’t mean everything’s all soft and mushy inside. Or that some angel has come dropped from the sky to make everything right (though I have bloody-well tried to demand it at times!).  It just means, for a moment, we got it. And if we didn’t get it, we will.

Come hell or high water.

I prefer to ride the high-wave!

Day 24: Resistance Training

Woman Resting, Manguin, 1927

Hello all. I thought I would write about Why I am Here, Part II, but maybe that will have to wait. I have some resistance training to do. I’m actually getting pretty good at it. I lift a pound of doubt, three ounces of too tired, and three barrel-full loads of fuzzy-brained lack of desire.

Sorry, caught in inaction!

Today, for some reason I was just a bit off.  I could not think. I could not want. I could not do anything I usually do well. I did the best I could without yelling at the kids (not too much), apologized at the last possible moment before the school doors closed, and then went back home to be with myself.

What to do with that? On a day like that?

Resistance Training 101.
 
1. Do not try to do anything that seems hard, difficult, torturous.
 
2. Sit down.
 
3. Lay down your head on the arm of a chair or on a bed.
 
4. Put your feet up.
 
5. Dream. Snooze. Allow.
 

And if you can’t do that, pretend to work. Get it over with as quickly as possible and then as soon as you can, do nothing at all. Watch bad TV for 5 minutes, an hour if you can afford. Go for a walk – maybe. Do not try to write good poetry or solve anyone’s problems, including your own. Let it all go.

This was my day. I managed to accomplish some things without too much complaint (there was no one to complain to). Then I lay down.

And then, the second part of my day began…

To be continued on Day 25… (wow, I must be feeling a bit better, I’m cheating it forward ;)

Day 23: Good Enough for Me!

Yes, it’s Wednesday and I haven’t written in 2 days. After publishing my “Daily Commitment Contract” the other day I set out to avoid everything on it ’til about 11pm.  It wasn’t that bad really, I had done my morning workout at least, and I did spend the entire night with my husband. It was all good. So why do we punish ourselves when we don’t make the grade?

I’m starting to pick up the mantra, “Good Enough!” If and when you ever get tired of beating yourself up (I am), try this on for size:

I’m “Good Enough” for me!

As a matter of fact, I don’t even have time to finish this blog because I have to take both my kids to the orthodontist.

I’m a mother. How could I ever do anything perfectly?

It’s like my yoga instructor said yesterday, that her hips will never be the same since giving birth. Once you re-arrange yourself and everything in your life, including your hips, to accommodate children, you will never, never be the same.

Neither will your “to do” list.

I should have put this first on my Daily Commitment Contract:

1. I am committed to not taking myself too seriously. To enjoying myself. Then, and only then, will I look at number 2 and 3!

Amen!

Day 20: “Love Liberates”

Maya Angelou

I listened to Maya Angelou speaking on “Oprah’s Master Class” tonight.  “Love liberates,” she said.  What is a good teacher/friend/mother/lover? The one who loves enough to let go.

As a mother, I am beginning to learn to let go. Tomorrow is my daughter’s 9th birthday. She is now riding a 20″ bike instead of 16″.  She is also brilliant, opinionated and loving. My son is 14 and joined her on my husband’s man-size bike. He is now an excellent musician, almost as tall as me, and is a kind-hearted “young man”.  Next September he will be in high school. I am happy, excited for him. I am happy he will no longer be just around the corner, but to a a place a bit farther off, getting the best education he can (and meeting lots of  new friends!).  With Heather I have a little more time… :)

But as a student, I still cling to the authority of teachers. To the “A grade”.  I am getting better, admittedly. Tremendously wiser and more detached. This past year I have slowly, painfully learned I was wrong to sacrifice my present happiness for approval, acceptance.  I had been well-trained to pursue, to excel at what I do. But the things I cherish most in my life now have nothing to do with that. It took me embarking on a new path to discover this for myself.  It is time to grow up.

This “clinging to the guru” can sometimes take on an unpleasant scent – one of self-sacrifice and onerous intent. What/who am I doing this for?  When you have signed a contract you usually know what is expected of each party.   One may want to extend the contract to infinity and beyond. The other may want to move on. What is right?

At what point do you say, enough is enough? With compassion, I am ready to move on. I must walk my walk. Sing my Song!  

Inspired by Maya’s words, I wrote these power statements:

Even as they try to hold me,
I let go.
 
I am not bound to anyone
I already belong.
 
There is no separation, lack or need
In the darkness they will be freed.
 
No one has the power to bind me ever again
Today I walk in peace.

Anyone who tries to bind you is working from the ego, not love.  This is what Maya Angelou said. And I know this.  But I also know, no matter who you are dealing with (teacher/friend/student); if one is in pain or spent, their only need is compassion, not rejection. Letting go in love is the answer.

I have learned this lesson: “I have  everything. I can afford to be generous.”

Somehow, somewhere, I have become the teacher. 

Amen.

Day 3: I’ve Been A Jerk

Today I do not feeling like writing. I feel like a jerk. And when I feel  like a jerk, the last thing I feel like doing is admitting it in writing to the world. But I am, indeed, a jerk. I do not need to tell you why, but I will tell you why it matters, and why it’s still a miracle.

The fact that I was a jerk is pointless, really. What matters is the relationship at the centre of my jerkdom, and my recognition that, indeed, I was a jerk, and that, indeed, I need to amend.  Why do I care? Because no miracle exists without love and forgiveness.

You may call it what you like, but the recognition that hurting someone is not OK, and that you feel better when you apologize is a fundamental sign of our humaness, and our divinity. We kind of get it that it’s not OK to be a jerk. And that our relationships matter. What we say matters. And more important, what we do about our jerkdom, matters.  Apologize! Get down on your knees, my friend!

That’s not all. At the heart of it, I recognize that I’m lucky to even have this problem in the first place. To have a relationship, many relationships, with which to screw up and make amends.  Isn’t’ that what we’re all here for?  To get it right at last? To smile an everlasting holy amen? A “Thank God I’m a jerk no more!”, and relax into holy Rightdom?  Someday…   Someday…

In the meantime, miracles are my Friend.

Amen!