Tag Archives: healing

I Can Only Be Me

September 25, 2011   Krista Moore   2 Comments

Today I have had a bit of a day. You know what I mean? I really can’t say I was happy today, and that bothers me. I have been so conscious lately of my effect on the world – meaning my little family, friends, work, what I can perceive as being around me. I don’t even realize all the ripples that go out beyond that!

No, today I feel like I failed at being me. Does that sound crazy, or what?! But it’s true. When you come in contact with your “best me” it is very hard indeed to fallback into the old patterns of “poor me”.  And it is very hard for others when we fail to deliver the best of what we can be.

All of us are human, and thankfully, that includes me. I have to remember that as I am walking uphill with my dog pulling me very hard from in front. Staggering to catch up with myself, grumpy and  mean, sad even.  I don’t need to explain. You know the feeling.

It doesn’t matter “why” we are sad, mad, very angry or even glad. What matters is that we recognize we are HUMAN after all. We are a SPECTRUM of varying colors and patterns. And although I loath to admit that I might be weaved into some undeniable shape or pattern, it seems to be. I fight it, I try to rework it, I struggle and want to tug and pull and tear it to pieces sometimes. But, it’s me. All of it.

Now, what is this pattern/shape/colour?  Is it real. Is it something to get all worked up about? Are our failings so important? Is our bad day really such a big deal? Or is it all surreal… A cloud over a darkened sky – an inconceivable darkness that just won’t seem to go away – all the while knowing that tomorrow is ‘another day’.

I know it is and will be. I have experienced the colours and shapes of my fabric on life, my ‘take’ that varies from day to day. These variations make it all the more obvious to me that I don’t really have a clear picture at all. That my moods and variations are really a seam, a division, a kind of separation.  I don’t see what is behind me or before me, above me or below  me.

I don’t really see.

This is good news!  Like a giant sleeping in the grass, who doesn’t know how big he is until he stands. All he sees is the tiny grass waving in his hands and the dark and scary night.  He has  no idea that he is surrounded by a tiny world in great need of what he brings. His strength, his power, his gentleness.

the unhappy giant

Yes, even a giant can be kind, though he may appear to be quite grumpy to those running beneath his feet.

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Day 27: What is a Miracle? II

June 27, 2011   Krista Moore   7 Comments

I am nearing the completion of my 30-day trek, and thought it would be wise to actually address the purpose of this blog, this process, this commitment I’ve made to myself, and to whoever is reading.

What is a miracle?

A miracle is a shift in perception. It is a shift in our awareness from fear-based thinking to love. It is an expression of love that momentarily erases all sense of fear, doubt, worry, anger or misery. It is a gift both to the giver and the receiver. Its power is infinite and beyond all reasoning.

(based on A Course In Miracles)

The funny thing about miracles is that most of us need them. But they require our participation, our willingness. If we’re not willing, nothing on earth or in heaven can stop us from lying to ourselves. Anyone can drink themselves to death. The most belligerent will be the last to admit, “hey, I think I might need a hand”. But who hasn’t asked for a miracle, even the most skeptical, fearful, or bitter of us?

Recently I came across a situation that I deem to be a miracle.  I encountered a man who I found quite belligerent, or obnoxious, and aroused in me all of my petty judgements.  I immediately sparred with him (playfully) and told him what I thought. Until one moment when I really let him have it, and he looked quite surprised and said quite seriously:

“Wow, you make a lot of assumptions.”

That stopped me. “You know, you’re right. I do.” I asked him to tell me something about himself that I don’t know. He proceeded to tell me about a recent tragedy. It aroused pity in me (which might have been brilliant on his part, but I don’t think so – he didn’t get anything out of it – and he didn’t expect anything either; as he said, he was just enjoying himself and our company).

I saw the perfect opportunity to change my mind.  I apologized and we began an interesting dialogue. It made me feel more connected, more accountable. And it was fun!

He was teaching me as much as I thought I was teaching him.

So what is a miracle?

The moment I saw him and he saw me. The moment he held me accountable. The moment I recognized my mistake and responded differently. And the moment he got to see the real me:  vulnerable, powerful, honest (to a fault sometimes), and humble.

What I got from him was a piece of myself calling for attention; and what he got from me was a piece of himself he hadn’t heard from in years.

Now, that’s a miracle. It doesn’t mean everything’s all soft and mushy inside. Or that some angel has come dropped from the sky to make everything right (though I have bloody-well tried to demand it at times!).  It just means, for a moment, we got it. And if we didn’t get it, we will.

Come hell or high water.

I prefer to ride the high-wave!
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Day 24: Resistance Training

June 17, 2011   Krista Moore   2 Comments

Woman Resting, Manguin, 1927

Hello all. I thought I would write about Why I am Here, Part II, but maybe that will have to wait. I have some resistance training to do. I’m actually getting pretty good at it. I lift a pound of doubt, three ounces of too tired, and three barrel-full loads of fuzzy-brained lack of desire.

Sorry, caught in inaction!

Today, for some reason I was just a bit off.  I could not think. I could not want. I could not do anything I usually do well. I did the best I could without yelling at the kids (not too much), apologized at the last possible moment before the school doors closed, and then went back home to be with myself.

What to do with that? On a day like that?

Resistance Training 101.
 
1. Do not try to do anything that seems hard, difficult, torturous.
 
2. Sit down.
 
3. Lay down your head on the arm of a chair or on a bed.
 
4. Put your feet up.
 
5. Dream. Snooze. Allow.
 

And if you can’t do that, pretend to work. Get it over with as quickly as possible and then as soon as you can, do nothing at all. Watch bad TV for 5 minutes, an hour if you can afford. Go for a walk – maybe. Do not try to write good poetry or solve anyone’s problems, including your own. Let it all go.

This was my day. I managed to accomplish some things without too much complaint (there was no one to complain to). Then I lay down.

And then, the second part of my day began…

To be continued on Day 25… (wow, I must be feeling a bit better, I’m cheating it forward ;)

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Day 20: “Love Liberates”

June 11, 2011   Krista Moore   No comments

Maya Angelou

I listened to Maya Angelou speaking on “Oprah’s Master Class” tonight.  “Love liberates,” she said.  What is a good teacher/friend/mother/lover? The one who loves enough to let go.

As a mother, I am beginning to learn to let go. Tomorrow is my daughter’s 9th birthday. She is now riding a 20″ bike instead of 16″.  She is also brilliant, opinionated and loving. My son is 14 and joined her on my husband’s man-size bike. He is now an excellent musician, almost as tall as me, and is a kind-hearted “young man”.  Next September he will be in high school. I am happy, excited for him. I am happy he will no longer be just around the corner, but to a a place a bit farther off, getting the best education he can (and meeting lots of  new friends!).  With Heather I have a little more time… :)

But as a student, I still cling to the authority of teachers. To the “A grade”.  I am getting better, admittedly. Tremendously wiser and more detached. This past year I have slowly, painfully learned I was wrong to sacrifice my present happiness for approval, acceptance.  I had been well-trained to pursue, to excel at what I do. But the things I cherish most in my life now have nothing to do with that. It took me embarking on a new path to discover this for myself.  It is time to grow up.

This “clinging to the guru” can sometimes take on an unpleasant scent – one of self-sacrifice and onerous intent. What/who am I doing this for?  When you have signed a contract you usually know what is expected of each party.   One may want to extend the contract to infinity and beyond. The other may want to move on. What is right?

At what point do you say, enough is enough? With compassion, I am ready to move on. I must walk my walk. Sing my Song!  

Inspired by Maya’s words, I wrote these power statements:

Even as they try to hold me,
I let go.
 
I am not bound to anyone
I already belong.
 
There is no separation, lack or need
In the darkness they will be freed.
 
No one has the power to bind me ever again
Today I walk in peace.

Anyone who tries to bind you is working from the ego, not love.  This is what Maya Angelou said. And I know this.  But I also know, no matter who you are dealing with (teacher/friend/student); if one is in pain or spent, their only need is compassion, not rejection. Letting go in love is the answer.

I have learned this lesson: “I have  everything. I can afford to be generous.”

Somehow, somewhere, I have become the teacher. 

Amen.

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Day 15: Haley Sings to the Mountaintops

June 06, 2011   Krista Moore   4 Comments

Tonight one of my guilty pleasures was watching Shania Twain recover her voice in her show, “Why Not? with Shania Twain” on OWN.  It reminded me of my own transition, from when I felt on top of the world, to feeling I had lost everything. I felt so humiliated, so scared, the last thing I wanted to do was admit it to a close personal friend (let alone the world). I didn’t know how to rebuild who I thought I was (my ego) with who I was now (my home). I couldn’t reconcile my dreams with what I had become. It felt like an impossible compromise.  I was paralyzed.

Until I found my voice: Uncertain, strong, uncompromising; softly at first it rose, in the middle of the night. Out of the treetops it seemed to sing; quietly it whispered in my sleep, or wildly it cried in vain. But it rose just the same…

I wrote it all down. Every last detail, feeling, thought. I never shared with anyone, always alone. My private sanctuary from the world. Then it changed: only a few were allowed to hear, my private cries or my wild hidden voice that would spring out onto the page, sometimes delightful and poetic, sometimes irreverent and funny. It gave others pleasure to hear my voice or read my words and many encouraged me. This was a whole new world to me. My private sanctuary was crumbling.

Now, as I listen to those who write back to me, I am dumbfounded. I can hardly believe that anyone is listening, or that my words carry a piece of their heart as well. That our collective “song” rings true.

Sometimes I am an eagle, soaring high. I don’t care what other people think. I look down on the landscape and feel the wind in the trees, and I float easily over all, effortlessly. Something carries me. And the song just comes with it, effortlessly. Other times I am the sparrow, easily broken by ambiguous or harsh testimony.  I am human.

Haley is my song, the script I am working on at the moment.  I hope it comes as easily as my mountaintop expressions, spontaneously sung to the wind. But sometimes it doesn’t.  It needs a little more care than that. A little more structure. I am not used to the accountability of sharing. I am learning.

Shania will recover her voice – there’s no question. It’s scripted that way. But our story remains.

Some are broken by life; others will find their voice again. Whatever your broken-winged voice can’t say…  please, sing it anyway.

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Day 9: The Pleasant Ever-After

May 29, 2011   Krista Moore   No comments

I’m not sure why, but I’m so happy lately. A year ago I was suffering from a recurring case of depression, or what one expert called “a constant state of discontent”. It had taken its toll on my health and every area of my life. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and it felt like the end of the world.

Now, as I sit here in my backyard, looking at the chickadees and robins hanging out in the trees, feeling the cool damp breeze and my fingers tracing their story on the keys, I feel at ease… I feel a deep sense of peace unknown to me before…

Where did this come from? This pleasant ever-after? The long-awaited prize after years of grueling internal effort and uncertainty? It came from a combination of things, all brought on by my intention – no, my Determination – to be well, to be More than well: to BE HAPPY.

I deserve a life of happiness. So do you. There is no need to struggle and worry about everything. I’ve done plenty of that. I’ve been through lots of things – death, loss, but I haven’t suffered much. I have everything, I admit.  But that discontent underlying our lives can eat away at the most blessed of lives, including my own. I admit, I was spoiled. I didn’t know how lucky I am.  I am more than lucky – I worked for this, chose this, in fact. But when you don’t recognize what you have, you are impoverished indeed.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to get down on your knees.

Since then I have done many things:  Prayed and meditated, number one. Got the help I need.  Took some courses that elevated my spirits and connected me to a broader social community. Healed body, mind and soul. Did the work. Wrote it out. Talked it out. Cried it out! I found my voice. And now I am freed. I feel better today than I have felt in, well – ever!

happiness

This is the story of my life, unfolding one day at a time. May it be blessed, always with the recognition of what I have, and the good that is to come. This is my happily ever after. It’s not perfect. It’s not what I planned when I first started out (whose is?). I don’t live in Hollywood (thank God!), and in some ways, it is much, much better. Because you know what? I’ve only just begun!  And that makes me really smile…

I wish the same for you.

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