Tag Archives: i was born this way

Loving Yourself Through Doubt

I was born a happy baby.  Pretty curious, demanding, smiling and screeching if I didn’t get what I was wanting: another mouthful of the good stuff.   I used to sing songs in the bathroom mirror and ham it up for the camera at a pretty early age.  My smile was infectious and I loved the attention.  It was natural for me to be this way.  As Lady Gaga says, “I was born this way.”

When I was about 10 we moved to a new city and school, and a teacher told me I was a scatter-brained, and I was told to go sit in the corner. I was unsure of myself, angst-riden and cried myself to sleep at night.

These stories or programming teach us to either believe in ourselves or not, to either voice our opinion and desires, or stuff them down.  I chose to voice most of mine, but there was always a niggling fear that if I got it wrong, I would fail and be sorry.

When I was a teenager I went out of my way to succeed at all things I chose to do, mainly academics and story-telling.  Praise from a few good teachers kept me on a high wire of success and achievement which I still don’t regret, because even though it was hard sometimes, it was also how I loved to be, and what I wanted to put out in the world:  I wanted to express myself, explore ideas and be bold and unique in my creations.  I did that and it felt wonderful.

Later in early adulthood, due to programming and circumstances, as the “real world” settled in”, I learned to quiet it down a bit, and do as I was expected, go to university, get married, skip the trip to Europe and take the scholarship instead. I was also influenced to take a business-focused program, instead of a purely arts program.  This I only partially regretted because although I wasn’t happy doing it, being in the corporate and IT world did provide me with a career and the ability to earn a living while I was still in school, giving me both independence and confidence.

Then I hit a wall. With a baby in tow, a promotion at work, and heavy commute, I had given up  more than enough  in my pursuit of pleasing and doing, and needed to recalculate.  My doubts resurfaced, but this time more as urgent requests and desperate cries, than hopeless worries.  I knew I had to do something now or I would lose that wonderful little girl who already knew what she wanted and who she was. I made some new choices and slowly moved out of an old life that was no longer serving me well.

Hey, I'm sexy AND I can save the planet

 

My 30s were all about creating new possibilities with what I had, and resurrecting some old dreams that I had given up long ago.  I moved to the city, found a new partner who shared my values, and lived on my own for awhile. I joined the theatre, took singing lessons and joined a cover rock band just for fun. Then I started acting, writing, investigating my spiritual pursuits, building community and sharing my message with more and more.  I realized it was not too late to do anything I wanted. I could change my life and I held the power to create anything I desired. And it was a lot of fun!

 

Now in my 40s I find the lines and streams of my life connecting to where I am today:  what was the purpose of all those different experiences, diversions, skills, assets and achievements? Breakthroughs and possibilities? Natural gifts and talents? What can I do now, as I hold more power than I ever thought possible?

I find it humbling to go through so many changes and growth spurts and still feel doubt and fear sometimes.  The desire to get it right, not make a mistake, and not be miserable doing what I don’t want to do, is still with me in some way.  I have spent the last week or so working on some of those old blocks and fears, doubts and complaints.  The little girl in me is quiet, but the adult must give her time to speak.

What do you want, sweet one?  What do you most want to create? How do you want to speak through the window of your own desire and reach the world with your well worn hands and scratched up face?  Aren’t you precious for reaching so far, for trying so hard and for falling once or twice….  Aren’t you remarkable for your resilience and determination, your purity and non-judgement, your willingness to do anything?  I love you for who you are, for who you want to be, for the girl, woman and being you are today.

Never give up on the knowledge that you can change anything and become who you really want to be. I have spoken to those who felt it was too late, and told them my story of how I climbed out of misery and depression, living in a far away town away from everything I desired, and starting all over at the age of 32. I am still evolving and changing. I am never done! So take heart and take great care, with that giant baby and wonderful creation you are.  Never doubt that you can live the life you desire. That you are not alone. And that where there is a will there is a way!

Amen.

Krista Fall EW 2012

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

Krista

P.S.  What does your little one want or need? What did you believe about yourself at your highest and most loved moment? Do this for yourself right now and ask yourself what you need to move forward. Let’s bust through doubt and find truth, clarity and hope – and MOVEMENT (and lots of it!) 🙂  Write your breakthroughs and “what’s true” about you below.

Day 26: Confidence

Confidence. Where does that come from? How does one situation bring out the “worst” in us, and another the “best”?  How does something which seemed impossible and forever “Far Away” suddenly seem close, doable and “no-problemo”?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bad audition. Remember that? And how I felt “Intimidated”. I did my best. I prepared. I did everything I should. Everything! But nothing would make me feel comfortable. Something was off. And, I discovered, it wasn’t just me.

But that’s not the point. it’s not about blame. It’s not about saying “well that’s just the way it is” or “it’s this person’s fault”. Dumb people!  There is no question that some circumstances seem blessed, and others bound to fail. Maybe it’s luck, and maybe it’s something not so obvious.

In the last week and a half I’ve had 3 auditions that were very different. Do you know what changed?

Me.

I got tired of trying to please. Trying to be “on” all the time. Trying to be the “actor”.  I thought:

“What the hell do I have to lose? Why not just do it the way I want?Not try too hard – relax, go to bed early, get up, get ready and go do it.  “No big deal”.

And it wasn’t a big deal – why give it more energy than it’s worth? Why make a big fuss like I usually do (and make everyone miserable in the process)?

And it worked!  Somehow the magic spell was cast of : “No big deal”  Whether I got the part or not, I don’t know. But something in me changed.

It’s not that I didn’t care. But I cared less. I was “carefree”.

I was more concerned with myself, my own happiness, than whether I was doing it “right”, or they liked me or not.

Funny thing is, I think they did! I got some good vibes.  I didn’t get as nervous. I still did my best (but how much more can you do, really?). There was no more to do.

Where does confidence come from? Maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Grace. Maybe it’s picking your numbers right like Russian Roulette. I don’t think so.

It isn’t chance that got me this way. It’s that moment of Grace to give in and finally say – “I’m not concerned”.  “I was born this way”.  “I’m OK. I’ve got what it takes. That’s enough!  If they don’t like it – tough!”

That’s not defensive. That’s sane, right and confident.  Sometimes you have to be that way. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

Oh, I was nice. Don’t get me wrong. But not caring too much is half the charm.

roadtrip to "Confidence"

P.S. One more thing may have helped – those fancy new shoes I wore on the last day. I purchased them on a road trip to PA with my girlfriend.  Riding in a convertible with the top down,  wind in my hair, strappy sandal heels over newly painted toes  – fuschia.Something good about life, there. Something good about life, period.

There is nothing more to do tonight. Except a little glass of wine to celebrate, and relax. For another day, another surprise, another circumstance, another rainbow. Or a great big rain!. A glorious lightning show (remember, that?).

Ah, Life is Good. Let me just leave it at that.

Day 21: The Miracle is You

I mean that literally. The Miracle is You. I’m not being generic or metaphoric or universal in any way. For the first time, I really get it.

I sang through the weekend doing the birthday thing, kids running amok, appreciating my family, getting uptight and nervous about the quantity of young guests, the unanticipated sleepover, the never-ending hangover of more guests on Sunday. The joy of an unusual full family dinner.

Now, as I swing back to my beloved friends of this blogging world, I get this sudden feeling of  connectivity, reciprocity, understanding…

This is not just about me. This is about You. The miracle that happens to me is the same miracle that happens to you. What I write, you also live. What you live, I somehow write. How does this happen? How does this miracle happen to us both at the same time, echoing each other? You may think, How did you know that? How did you say exactly how I was feeling at this moment in time? How did you say it just like that so that it sung to my heart, spoke from my true understanding, something I hadn’t even put into words before? This is all new to me too.

All I know is, I am doing this with you

It is a chorus, a harmony, an absolute symphony. I love to write, and you hear my voice. But you don’t just hear me, you hear You! This is bizarre. Amazing. I am singing your song as much as I am singing mine. Maybe we are singing the same song!

I am honoured to be the one putting down the words because it is easy for  me. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way!” But maybe for the one who is tongue-tied or whose heart is torn apart, and can’t even begin to know how to express ‘that’, I am their God-send. Literally. That is not arrogant. As Marianne Williamson says echoing A Course in Miracles, it is not arrogant to recognize your God-given talents and use them. It is humble to witness their impact, to see God’s work at hand. To fall down on your knees and say, Thank you for using me at last!

Thank you.

Thank You for being here, for listening, for understanding, for being, for responding. Thank you for singing your chorus, your harmony. Your wave of passion, happiness, devotion.  I love our evolving collaboration, our co-witnessing each other, our evolutionary striving for something greater. An awakening of seismic proportions. Beyond Katerina, Beyond tragedy. This is the response to all of that. This is the Hope. The Dream. The Great Call to Freedom at last! This isn’t about race, sex, age or religion. This transcends all borders and boundaries we ever thought we had. This is Love itself calling to our own Selves. We are recognizing ourselves in each other’s greatness. We are witnessing the possibility of what we can be together.  Supporting each other in the Climb that has  nothing to do with ceilings or enemies or friends. This is wider, deeper, faster and more incredible than anything we ever thought we were or had. This is the mountain without peak, the river without end…

Dear God, make us Great. Make us tall. Make us realize our own potential in each other’s eyes. Let us witness and make a pact: Never again will we act small, pretend we don’t know anything. Hide in the branches of our own greatness, only to swing when we are alone. Let us join our hands. Clasp on for dear life. Let’s sing our hearts out in this, our Collective Song.

There’s no denying when you’ve heard the Call.

There’s no denying when a Miracle is born.

Thank you, God for hearing mine.

Amen.