Tag Archives: love

The Path of the Self – The Walk Together

In this dream we seem to walk alone. Our burdens are many. Our challenges infinite. We carry our burdens for what seems like eons until our backs will break, or the very skies will open up and shake.

When will it end – this illusion of separation?

Everyone carries on as if nothing is the same. But the cycles seem to repeat themselves, memories pile up, hurts begin to fester. There seems no end to the game. It frightens us to think of life this way. It challenges our very being.  It calls, it begs for some other way to see, to Live.

In this path we seem to walk alone. We walk blindly pretending to see. We grab onto anything, hoping it will retain us, contain some seed of knowing, promise, belief.  We want to see until it blinds us. We want to rip off the blindfold and know everything. We want to awaken and hold onto, not grab, but hold onto Everything.

There is something that stirs in the air, maybe it is in the forest, maybe the fall breeze, maybe it is lightning, or the birds, or some echoey call from nature. Maybe it is ourselves beckoning us to go on, to find another way.

But HOW do we get there? To this place of rest, relinquishment, peace?  How do we let go of so much that has given us nothing but pain?  Do we come to some violent end, or some agonizing death before the picture turns bright again? Are we simply vanquished?

Life is calling us for sure, not to surrender to suffering and despair, but to save it from our misunderstandings, ignorance and trifling cares that obliterate its Presence everywhere.  When will we notice It and lift up our heads? When will come off our knees and walk together instead?

We are not alone on this walk.  Although we may be blind to the ones standing before us, above us, beside us, below  us, they are everywhere. They are not here to hamper our style, or deliver us from evil. They are here to walk with us, for us, beside us, carrying us for a little while, perhaps. In them we have to place our Trust, though our disappointments be many, and our hostility and indifference sometimes cruel.  They are depending on us, not to take care of them, not to walk for them, but to give them the confidence that we can walk again. They teach us to care, not at the cost of, but so our mutual walk gives us Life, certainty, empathy. Love. That it is worth it.

So, what would we see if we were walking together? If we held each other’s hand? What would the world look like to us, who see a different purpose for creation, a different end?

What would the world look like if you knew you were not alone?  That you had a Friend?  Many. Not solo and lost, but on a guided adventure, a walk on the Wild Side – of Life, Laughter, Security, Clarity?

What would the world look like to you then?

I Can Only Be Me

Today I have had a bit of a day. You know what I mean? I really can’t say I was happy today, and that bothers me. I have been so conscious lately of my effect on the world – meaning my little family, friends, work, what I can perceive as being around me. I don’t even realize all the ripples that go out beyond that!

No, today I feel like I failed at being me. Does that sound crazy, or what?! But it’s true. When you come in contact with your “best me” it is very hard indeed to fallback into the old patterns of “poor me”.  And it is very hard for others when we fail to deliver the best of what we can be.

All of us are human, and thankfully, that includes me. I have to remember that as I am walking uphill with my dog pulling me very hard from in front. Staggering to catch up with myself, grumpy and  mean, sad even.  I don’t need to explain. You know the feeling.

It doesn’t matter “why” we are sad, mad, very angry or even glad. What matters is that we recognize we are HUMAN after all. We are a SPECTRUM of varying colors and patterns. And although I loath to admit that I might be weaved into some undeniable shape or pattern, it seems to be. I fight it, I try to rework it, I struggle and want to tug and pull and tear it to pieces sometimes. But, it’s me. All of it.

Now, what is this pattern/shape/colour?  Is it real. Is it something to get all worked up about? Are our failings so important? Is our bad day really such a big deal? Or is it all surreal… A cloud over a darkened sky – an inconceivable darkness that just won’t seem to go away – all the while knowing that tomorrow is ‘another day’.

I know it is and will be. I have experienced the colours and shapes of my fabric on life, my ‘take’ that varies from day to day. These variations make it all the more obvious to me that I don’t really have a clear picture at all. That my moods and variations are really a seam, a division, a kind of separation.  I don’t see what is behind me or before me, above me or below  me.

I don’t really see.

This is good news!  Like a giant sleeping in the grass, who doesn’t know how big he is until he stands. All he sees is the tiny grass waving in his hands and the dark and scary night.  He has  no idea that he is surrounded by a tiny world in great need of what he brings. His strength, his power, his gentleness.

the unhappy giant

Yes, even a giant can be kind, though he may appear to be quite grumpy to those running beneath his feet.

What Can I Do For YOU?

This seems like a dirty word/phrase sometimes; “What can I do for You?” may seem altruistic, almost “old world”; a way of giving through self-sacrifice. Or its meaning is relegated to the service or hospitality industry. But what if  “What can I do for You?” really is about You? What if in serving another you really do serve your Self, not just you, but the Whole?

We cannot live in a vacuum, a bubble, an island or any other such isolation tank.  In other words, we cannot live for “ourselves” alone.

A barrage of information lately has led me to think there is a war going on between the philosophy of  how to “make your dreams come true” and “noticing what is wrong in the world and making it right.”  Between My Life and Our Life.  I notice that even in some of the books I have read, some of the most spiritual “new age” manifestation materials on finding happiness (The Secret, The Law of Attraction etc.) we are being asked to focus on what we WANT instead of what don’t want. That makes sense. But what if what we want isn’t really what we need? How are we to know that? If we are the ones in this mess, if we are alone or in lack, if we are disconnected from our “brothers”, from humanity, how can we know that what we want will only serve ourselves and leave us empty? Are we really going to be happy when we get that house, or when we are more popular than Oprah? That is a fantasy. A wish. A desire. But is it coming from the right place?

Who are we listening to?

“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”
Albert Einstein

I am just noticing for myself that I have grown up a lot in the past 10 years. I did all those visualizations, I posted my sticky-notes and pictures on the wall.  I said my chants of affirmations about my “ideal life” and I fantasized continually about their realization.  Some of them came true. Others did not.

In the meantime, I had a life, I had a family, I had conflicts, doubts, discoveries. I clarified, I lied to myself and others, I pretended, and I parted ways. I came back again and tried for another day. I gave up my “ideas” and decided to discover something truly new, something I hadn’t thought of before. I learned from others. I gave up my idea of what was supposed to be true. I gave up attack against those who didn’t agree with me. I decided to try a different approach with my friends, partner, spouse.

“What can I do for you?”

This is really uncomfortable. I am used to thinking about myself. All the time! I have been incredibly selfish over the years, perfectionistic, obsessed with figuring out what I am supposed to do, how I can be better, happier, more successful, and and and…..  all the while, there are people all around me looking for guidance, happiness, peace. Relief. Relief from the barrage of  “What about me?”  

I was called on it recently. And I argued that I do care, I do try. But I was wrong. I was still thinking small.

There is a relief in telling your story and being heard, and having someone care about your existence. There is a relief in caring about someone else for awhile. It makes us human, sane, and reach for something better. Not just for ourselves and our own pleasure, but for everyone around us. Perhaps even around the world.

What is it you really, really want? Underneath your surface concerns and desires?

Most people when put to the test really want love. That is all.  When you’re down on your knees, you want your family, or your spouse. A child, a friend, a dog. You want somewhere to live that feels right, gives you comfort at night. You want to belong.

It’s really not so simple. We are constantly under attack, from ads, companies, people trying to fit that need with something better. Even from social media and the “new age” scene. Everybody has the answer. But nobody will admit what you don’t need.  Whose going to tell you not to buy their product or take their course or adopt their philosophy?

What if for one day we stopped seeking answers for ourselves, and asked a better question:  to whoever you belong to or aspire to serve:  God/Source, your wife, community, child, friend or dog, or even the stranger down the hall…. even if it feels falsely altruistic, misguided, uncertain or scared…

Ask “What can I do for You?” instead.

And see the belly rise with relief, the eyes sparkle with their knowing response: “You did the right thing” or Thank You.

 

P.S. Giving to others or having a higher purpose does not mean you give up being who you are, or give up any of your material possessions, unless you want to . I love a good clearing out too!  And I love to give things away.  But it’s a mental shift. Maybe a physical shift. No one can tell you when it’s wrong. You just feel it. Only you will know when you got it right.  And, you may sleep better at night.

What is Love?

A friend asked me this question, and I am commissioned to answer.  I would be wise not to try to answer it by saying what love is, for as A Course in Miracles says, love cannot be defined.  But perhaps in offering what love is not I can suggest its opposite. But, as the Course says, “what is all-encompassing can have no opposite”.

There is only one cure for “love” in this world and that is God.

I have known glimpses of love’s scent. I have known the quality of joy looking back in the mirror, the glow of understanding, of surrender. The big AHA that comes as a deep sigh within. The grateful feeling of love’s proximity keeping us safe from the wizards of doom.

I do not believe that love comes from one person. I do not believe that we are meant to love only one person and put all our hopes and dreams on that. That is not love, but devastation. For people will always disappoint you.

No one should be used as a “replacement” for Love. No one can put windows and doors around Love’s Presence. When you feel it, you know it. It is a safe but unbordered country. I have no idea how to define it or even say I know it clearly.I am still humble in the ways of love.

Any relationship, or lack of relationship, can be transformed by surrendering your ideas about it, and asking for a “miracle” instead.

We all make mistakes. And though I said we cannot find Love in another person, I meant exclusively. If we try to possess another person as our own – as in “My Family”, “My Spouse”, “My Children”, we are boxing them in. We are not seeing them for who they really are – unique individuals, yes, on a mission of their own. Each person is born with a unique blueprint, a purpose for being here. And believe me, it is not to satisfy you and make your life easier.  That is your job.

If you are expecting others to do the work for you, to reach those arms around you and keep you safe, they will inevitably disappoint. That is their job!  To show you where your weak spots are, to stimulate rejection so you can learn, to catalyze transformation.

Believe it or not, that purpose is truer to Love’s Cause than the other. Anyone you choose to make yourself comfortable, static and “the same” is just your way of keeping yourself in a holding pattern. It may feel like a house, a relationship, a life, but it is just your way of feeling safe. That doesn’t mean you can’t have those things, they are necessary to life, but they are not what life is for.

True love says Go, do what you have to do. Don’t worry about me. True love let’s another person grow beyond the edges of what is comfortable for either one. True love sees a relationship as an opportunity to grow, forgive and let go. Of expectations, definitions, demands, and other subtle ways we try to control the other. Unless something is freely given, it isn’t a gift, it’s a temporary prison.

So what is love? I don’t know. But it isn’t this: It isn’t waiting for the perfect person to come along. It isn’t looking at other people as potential soul-mates and measuring whether they fit the bill. It isn’t designing a life for yourself where only certain people belong.

Love is weightless, empty and strong. Love does not expect, declare or remain anywhere too long. Love is friendly and kind, as Paul the Apostle said. But it doesn’t always come with a marriage certificate.  Does that mean two people can’t love each other? No. It means our new job here is to decide if we are willing to let go. To really see another person for who they are, who they could be, but bear no interference in their crossing that bridge for themselves. We can lend a hand, that’s all.

Does that mean we walk alone? Absolutely not!  There are many friends for the journey. Not only your “mate”, but the whole world around you. You just have to look around. You have to offer it to someone – anyone!  You can’t just wait for it to happen. I hate to say this, but it’s like the Red Cross blood commercial:

It’s In You To Give

I hope that didn’t exasperate you too much. It exacerbates  me too, sometimes! I am only human. But my Divine Self is persistent and seems to have put me on this path. Even though I don’t know all the time, something in me does. And so I attempt to share the best way I can.

I hope that helps in some way. I hope that doesn’t discourage at all, but opens doors, window-frames, and every other structure you’ve laid. I talk of you, me and everyone here. We are all the same.

The truth is, we are not alone. We have many Helpers, friends, lovers. We are all commissioned to the task at hand. To learn to love each other. And if we can’t do that, to forgive.

That is all for now.

Amen.


Universal Language

I felt inspired tonight to write about a not-so-big moment that had a big impact on me and  my daughter.  After a long and wonderful weekend with family, I was walking my daughter and dog to a local park up north where we were staying. It so happened that an Eastern European community of families was picnicking in the park, though it was still open to everybody.

My dog was pulling like a madman to smell all the sights and sounds. My daughter was riding her bike precariously over the bumpy grass, weaving in and out of late afternoon lunchers with blankets, the late day sun shining on their faces. An old Eastern European woman looked up at me curiously.  Her eyes squinted in the sun, her hair tied behind a brown kerchief.  I smiled, but wasn’t sure if she smiled back. I continued on, transplanted in another timezone, hearing the brushings and sweepings of a foreign tongue all around me, shaking my usual sensibilities.

understand me

I watched the people’s at-ease body language, admired their communal play, and heard their spontaneous song.

A very pretty young woman with a baby jammed a melody while her cohorts softly played guitar. Her voice sent a high anthem across the park. Stunning. I wanted to say something, but was shy at first, remember?  I felt like we were unexpected guests at an intimate party.

But, something in me spoke:  this was an opportunity to teach my daughter, and me, something important.

I sat at a bench near the playground, controlling my wayward dog. A young man and his mother-in-law sat beside me. His wife was off with three lovely daughters on the swings and monkey-bars.  My daughter eyed them uncomfortably but with longing. The other little girl eyed my daughter with a similar stance and a silent invite to play.

I finally spoke to my daughter, “Go, Play”.  She held back, waited. “No,” she said worried, “she speaks a different language.” Inspired, I told her, no…

“You speak a universal language:  smiling, saying Hi, and laughter.”

She seemed to take that in, but still didn’t move.  The mother-in-law admired my daughter and in a secret language seemed to encourage her to go.  The other little girl came closer, holding herself shyly with the sweetest of smiles.

“OK, that’s it” I said sternly to my stubborn one, “Now GO.”  She finally gave in and went. We watched them slowly come together and play.

Before we knew it they were jumping and swinging together on a shared landscape.

I slowly approached the group of musicians.  I smiled a couple of times to no effect. They were completely absorbed in what they were doing. I wanted to join in, or say, “Wow, you are so good. Can I listen in?”  But I seemed to lack the language, and the nerve.

I went out of view for a moment. I said internally to myself, and to the universe…

We are all one. We belong together. One day we will all know it. You hear my intent. You know what I am saying.  All is well here.

Although they didn’t seem to respond to my “words”, I felt a calm acceptance of what-is. As I walked back to get my daughter, I watched a grandfather pushing his grandson wildly on a swing. The little one squealed in delight. And the grandfather laughed, too.

“See.”  I said to myself and them. “I understand you perfectly.”  In that moment, there was no war, and all was happy.

P.S. As my daughter climbed back on her bike, she told me how she met a girl today who speaks a different language, but they became friends. She said it matter-of- factly, and with hidden sadness, that they would likely never see each other again.  I told her you never know. She told me of other friends she had met for only one day whom she later forgot about. I reminded her, “But you do remember them. You are still friends. You are remembering them now.”

It seemed she had not only met a foreign friend she could understand, but remember too, and maybe even love. (But that is for another day). She smiled, satisfied with herself, and rode away.

Day 14: I Belong!

This morning I went to a yoga class I hadn’t been to in a while. That’s me, slipping in and out of things – alarming! Seriously, I ask myself, why do I get into things and then back away? I was even tempted to start all over – find another, better class; another, better teacher. But somehow, it all comes back to me. What am I so afraid of? That they won’t like me? That I won’t like them?

Are there really any better “anybodies” out there?…

I took a course last summer that changed my life – the Feminine Power series, with Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit. I learned we women need to belong; we need to feel we are an integral part of something and that our contribution matters.  And our way of stopping that is to over-do and try to please others, while “sabotagingly” (yes, I invent words) neglecting our own needs, wishes, desires. Our own Power.  There are many ways this shows up:  perfectionism, fear of failure, wanting to be loved but pushing other people away ( “reject them first”), working too hard or hiding behind work (“maybe I’ll get promoted and then they’ll like me”); hiding behind other people who know more than we do; pretending to like things we don’t just to fit in; and sacrificing ourselves as a whole.  It doesn’t matter what it is; I saw “me” looking back at myself – backing away from things, from people, from life.  A lot of it, disturbingly, spoke to me.

The solution is obvious but alarmingly overlooked: there is nowhere else and nobody else to go but within my own self, to talk to that troubled girl and help her find her balance again. Her strength. We learned to make power statements that spoke to this deepest part, to stand in the strength of our best internal instincts – our fierce protection of what matters, just as we would protect a child. The part that cries “No!” or “Yes!” without any hesitation at all.  Or my way of saying it:

The Lioness in Us Will Never Lay Down

I Belong. I am an integral part of Life. I have a right to be here. My contribution matters. I matter. I am a unique, perfect and absolutely irreplaceable part of the Universe. I cannot be annihilated or forgotten. I Belong! Damnit!

So, today, as I walked back into that class, I hesitated at the door and said these simple words to myself first: “I Belong.” I breathed in and imaged all the pleasant faces I would encounter, and the energy I would have.  This is what I heard and saw upon entering:  my previous teacher sitting pleasantly with some others in a colourful room brightly lit, cheerful music playing, sunny smiles abounding, and her eyes happily lit:

“KRISTA!!!…. Oooh, Where have you been?!!…..”  (Her hands sweetly hugging her chest)… “We MISSED YOU!!!….”

I will never, never do that again. Assume I don’t belong. Or that they don’t want me.  I was wrong. Beyond wrong – because I missed out on their life, and they missed out on mine. I realized through their eyes, their smiles, how dynamic I was, how much I brought to them.

Whether you know it or not, whether people tell you or not, you are needed in this universe of things. I no longer seek another, better universe to belong to.  I Belong now. I’ll take this one, and – whether it pats me on the back or not – this one is more than happy to take me.

chorus of song

Remember Mr. Percival Singing? I Belong!!

YES!!

Day 10: Anxiety and The Chorus of Dreams (Sing!)

I’m not sure what to call it:  this inexplicable feeling of unease, at times wafting through me unawares. I am going about my business, preparing for my daughter’s Brownie graduation, actually sewing (yes, me!) the final badges she’s received onto the veritable Brownie sash on the very last possible night – to be seen for all of 15 minutes in the briefest of ceremonies. (But the kids had fun.)

So what is this wafting sense of alarm as I am riding in the car? Or walking down the street? The birds are singing their usual chorus, I am walking to the beat, while the dog is running straight ahead.  Maybe it’s something like a bad dream that wakes you up in the middle of the most perfect summer night… There is no explaining it. We can try.

But it all comes down to this:  Does it really matter what fear is for? Does it really matter why we are afraid? Why we wake up in alarm, when there is no clear or present danger?  Maybe it is a signal from above, or from below. Maybe it is the carrier of change in the breeze.  The train coming at us, or for us, or the one we are riding on – it is all the same.  Some danger can be avoided; most is just our resistance to what lies ahead. Is it a cliff?  A drop-off point?  Or, the point of no return? Isn’t that…  a good thing?

Sometimes I am grateful for the sound of an alarm bell going off, when I really have to go.  And sometimes, it is best to bang the damn thing off and go back to sleep, lulling in the morning air and that faint and tasty dream; dispelling all rumours of noise and forgotten slings and arrows. It’s time to put our swords down – our impulse to protect and defend everything.  It’s time to Sing.

I find myself singing all the time lately…  Not professionally, though that was extraordinarily fun to sing in front of a live audience (and get paid!).  No, it is just as much fun, beyond fun – downright Joyous ! – to sing out loud in the midst of a chaotic front the world puts on.  All its soldiers lined up, coffee cups stained with resistant defense against the dawn.  No, this is the time to move on.  Move on, my friends, move on.  Join the choir of song that is sounding out loud in the  morning, even if you are still luxuriating in your treetop bed of surprises.  As I lay there, I think of what I am grateful for, even if I still feel a bit of distrust.

To join the day, unaware of what lies ahead, to join Life, not knowing what it or I shall bring, breeds excitement, not danger; is reason for celebration, not anxiety (or a host of other unsightly things). And maybe the pulse that beats in my heart (and in my eardrums) is not one of anxiety, but of Life itself calling me to Sing!

chorus of song

Mr. Percival and Babe sing! by John Frederick White

Sing! my friends, sing!  Though there be clear and present danger all about, Sing! Because the world needs You, Your voice, Your calling, Your sound!

The sound only You can make.

Day 5: One Woman’s Weed…

dandelions

One woman's battle...

Springtime Canada. We have been encrusted by snow and trampled by rain for two long seasons, and now Summer is upon us. Out of our weary and dark dwelling places we roam, emerging from our comfortable habits of yesterday, cherished shows that got us through (American Idol anyone?), a shot too many or glass (or two) of wine, our warm beds to return to.  Suddenly, as the back doors slide open and the lids open in the shed, the brushes get a wiping, the tools get a shake, the cobwebs of  yesteryear flicked away….  What have we got now?

 Weeds, my friend. Weeds, weeds, and more weeds!

Yesterday I was on a walk with my daughter, and she is at that delicate age where her reason has suddenly shouted, “But that’s just a weed!”  What was once a precious dandelion flower given to her mother with great care and the sweetest of sweet smiles, is now a pesky weed, reduced to the order of no more, and not for me.  I corrected her immediately.

“Sweetheart, I love when you give me dandelions. They’re so beautiful. And I never, ever want you to say again that they are just weeds, do you hear me?!  Because I cherish every dandelion you ever give me. I always want you to give me dandelions. Never, never stop. OK?”   She looked at me like I was crazy and then she agreed.  She plucked one, then two and three up from the ground, bunched them in her usual array.  She placed them in the same container as the lovely tulips she picked that morning.

They are perfect, don’t you agree?

tulips and dandelions

P.S. As for the weeds, I am slowly digging my way out of hell.  I have almost recovered my Japanese garden walkway which was so perfectly manicured when I moved in. NOT!  The dandelions have made quite a home there. Don’t tell my daughter most of them ended up in the compost pile! Sorry little weeds! I tried! (bleeding heart that I am).

P.P.S.  Solution?  Put the kid to work!… 

no fair!

Day 3: I’ve Been A Jerk

Today I do not feeling like writing. I feel like a jerk. And when I feel  like a jerk, the last thing I feel like doing is admitting it in writing to the world. But I am, indeed, a jerk. I do not need to tell you why, but I will tell you why it matters, and why it’s still a miracle.

The fact that I was a jerk is pointless, really. What matters is the relationship at the centre of my jerkdom, and my recognition that, indeed, I was a jerk, and that, indeed, I need to amend.  Why do I care? Because no miracle exists without love and forgiveness.

You may call it what you like, but the recognition that hurting someone is not OK, and that you feel better when you apologize is a fundamental sign of our humaness, and our divinity. We kind of get it that it’s not OK to be a jerk. And that our relationships matter. What we say matters. And more important, what we do about our jerkdom, matters.  Apologize! Get down on your knees, my friend!

That’s not all. At the heart of it, I recognize that I’m lucky to even have this problem in the first place. To have a relationship, many relationships, with which to screw up and make amends.  Isn’t’ that what we’re all here for?  To get it right at last? To smile an everlasting holy amen? A “Thank God I’m a jerk no more!”, and relax into holy Rightdom?  Someday…   Someday…

In the meantime, miracles are my Friend.

Amen!

Healing Women

Last week I was in rough shape. I had been struggling for awhile, doing everything “right”:  Taking my vitamins, going to the gym, maniacally trying to control everything. But I couldn’t control myself. I just wasn’t feeling right. And I had twisted my neck getting out of bed. I was down on my knees (though I couldn’t even pull that one off). I knew I needed a miracle.

What do we do when we’ve already done everything?  We pray. And what if that doesn’t work?

We call the doctor.

The day was sunny and the drive quite pleasant. Maybe it was coincidence, or maybe it was hope smiling on me again. I waited patiently as I listened to her laugh inside the room where she was seeing another patient. I flipped through the  magazines and felt the nervousness in my tummy. Also, excitement.  I knew that this was just one step in a long chain of new events. And I had taken the first one.

Hopeful songs were swirling round my head as I waited, until I saw her come out of her office to greet me. She smiled and hugged me.  Now I remembered why I had come.

We said a lot of things in that room, but the most important thing she said is this:

“Remember, asking for help is not being a failure. You have taken a proactive step.”

Then she commended me for my vigilance in trying to do it all on my own. She reminded me that no one can. She told me about how she almost died the previous year from flesh eating disease but thankfully was saved; and how her husband had a massive coronary. She is now committed to a better quality of life and semi-retirement.

My visit reminded me that doctors are human. And, the best of doctors know this. Extending love and care is just as healing as the balms and potions they may serve.  All potions are temporary; Love is the only miracle cure.