Yesterday, as I lay on my chaise lounge outside under the grand maple tree, the only word that came to me was
“Mmmmm….”
I did not feel it through my body, as a yogi does, but I felt it through my mind, through my pores, through the trees. I felt nothing but the breeze, and my own breath on my hand.
There is a silence so deep, that even while the torrent speaks, the breath is silently gumming the words peace. There is no word there. There is just the delicious smell of existence. Of water. Of poetry. Of united. Basking in the glow. There is no tomorrow. Nothing to shed. Nowhere to go.
Sheltered in the trees, in the breeze, I wondered if my life were too easy. Why am I not in a war-torn country? Why am I not speaking to millions on TV? Why am I just laying here soaking up the rays and quietly counting the days, the words I sing to you…
Because I have to. Nothing else matters right now. Nothing else sings to me but my own song of patience and self-sacrifice. When I say sacrifice I mean it in the most spiritual sense. Nothing real is forsaken. Nothing is lost. Only the ego, which I cling to still, for solidarity, speaks to me and asks to “check-in.”
There is a softness now that never was before. The sharp edges of existence, the need to have, to want, to make happen, have disappeared. When they revisit me, they are on a mission - not from my ego – but from God. Never have I felt so naked as now, bearing my soul to you. Telling the truth, even as I know it, discover it, express it, find it. It is You. I am bonded to the word: I Am. Someone said that to me today, M-, and I laughed. I discovered her smile and her laugh, her faith in me. I understood. There is imminent silence in our shaking of hands, in the colours and light, the attitude. A softness, a gathering, a united feeling. A warming of hands, a sparkling of eyes.
It is as if the softness and colours of the trees visit me, even as I sit in another place, on a porch swing, in a sanctuary space, in a crowd of onlookers, or when I am asked to speak. A Presence follows me, a calm and natural feeling. I am safe. There is no hesitance in my speech. I am safe. There is no precedent for it. Nothing to profit by. I am just being myself.
Mmmmm……
That is all I feel now. A soft inner understanding, a great patience and rest. The rest is safe. It can wait. For me, for Him, for whatever moves through me. It will come. “I” no longer matter. My ego pretends it matters a great deal. But I know differently. No clocks tick my impatience awake. Even as I sit tonight, late, I am soft, I am loose, my belly curved. My eyes soft on the “page”. It is night. It is day. Whatever time it is, I am safe. I am at play.
I hardly know what to dedicate this to anymore. There is a harmony, a blending; I am surrounded by people, new voices, questions, supplications, invitations. I hardly know what to say. Except -
Mmmmmmm…… and just breathe it all in.
Yes, it is good. I may protest a bit, but not enough to stop this wind from blowing and dashing my protest to bits, leaving me dangling by the leaf on my hand.
It’s enough.
It is night. And the soft stars are staring their surprise back at me. The force of all is knowing, spinning, vertical. Lifting us up beyond the trees. The knowing stars are shining, and You, You are too. However you wait, however long. Whatever you do. You are knowing too.
Amen.
