Confidence. Where does that come from? How does one situation bring out the “worst” in us, and another the “best”? How does something which seemed impossible and forever “Far Away” suddenly seem close, doable and “no-problemo”?
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bad audition. Remember that? And how I felt “Intimidated”. I did my best. I prepared. I did everything I should. Everything! But nothing would make me feel comfortable. Something was off. And, I discovered, it wasn’t just me.
But that’s not the point. it’s not about blame. It’s not about saying “well that’s just the way it is” or “it’s this person’s fault”. Dumb people! There is no question that some circumstances seem blessed, and others bound to fail. Maybe it’s luck, and maybe it’s something not so obvious.
In the last week and a half I’ve had 3 auditions that were very different. Do you know what changed?
Me.
I got tired of trying to please. Trying to be “on” all the time. Trying to be the “actor”. I thought:
“What the hell do I have to lose? Why not just do it the way I want?Not try too hard – relax, go to bed early, get up, get ready and go do it. “No big deal”.
And it wasn’t a big deal – why give it more energy than it’s worth? Why make a big fuss like I usually do (and make everyone miserable in the process)?
And it worked! Somehow the magic spell was cast of : “No big deal” Whether I got the part or not, I don’t know. But something in me changed.
It’s not that I didn’t care. But I cared less. I was “carefree”.
I was more concerned with myself, my own happiness, than whether I was doing it “right”, or they liked me or not.
Funny thing is, I think they did! I got some good vibes. I didn’t get as nervous. I still did my best (but how much more can you do, really?). There was no more to do.
Where does confidence come from? Maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Grace. Maybe it’s picking your numbers right like Russian Roulette. I don’t think so.
It isn’t chance that got me this way. It’s that moment of Grace to give in and finally say – “I’m not concerned”. “I was born this way”. “I’m OK. I’ve got what it takes. That’s enough! If they don’t like it – tough!”
That’s not defensive. That’s sane, right and confident. Sometimes you have to be that way. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
Oh, I was nice. Don’t get me wrong. But not caring too much is half the charm.
roadtrip to "Confidence"
P.S. One more thing may have helped – those fancy new shoes I wore on the last day. I purchased them on a road trip to PA with my girlfriend. Riding in a convertible with the top down, wind in my hair, strappy sandal heels over newly painted toes – fuschia.Something good about life, there. Something good about life, period.
There is nothing more to do tonight. Except a little glass of wine to celebrate, and relax. For another day, another surprise, another circumstance, another rainbow. Or a great big rain!. A glorious lightning show (remember, that?).
Ah, Life is Good. Let me just leave it at that.
