Tag Archives: writing

Spewing Beauty

Today I found myself on a writing call with the lovely Julie Jordan Scott and 5 other creative women, who opened up my heart and mind to who I was, again.

You have to go back to when you were 7.  Or 2 or 3.  What I called “Raw Krista” – before “Conditioned Krista” came to be, followed by “Disillusioned Krista” and finally “Blossoming Krista” where I am today.  Each of us has our story, our undulating package of surprise. Of what our life could be, but what we have lived is more telling than we believed.  We looked for patterns.

Mine was Honesty. 

It came with a lock and key – a little blue diary.

I have guarded its secrets all my life, shared with only a select few. And perhaps that is the way it should be.

But. But. But!

fountain

What a beauty it is to be in the midst of 5 unrecognizable spirits, silent voices without bodies or even half-fragmented names in the dark. Does it matter who we are?  Exposed in undulating freedom.  Cracks through the roof let the rain come through.  Yes, unshielded, unguarded, quaking in our boots…

AWWWWE  the sound. Of truth whispering lips. The mystic in us does this. It knows what to do, even if we fear the adult coming through.  Wouldn’t it be fun to travel? To squish our toes in the dew? To know nothing else matters.   To let this beauty spill through?!

AHHHH  the delight, to hear the vestiges of truth praying. Mmmm…… roasting marshmallows of spiritual delight. Food. Traveller’s weary-bones waking in new shoes.

What a delight to live each day as an unguarded masterpiece, Spewing Beauty with all of You.

Amen!

P.S. What beauty would you like to spill right now? Feel free!  Let it spill down below for all  to see.

P.P.S. Thank you to Julie Jordan Scott’s Writer’s Camp for the open space which inspired today’s feast. :)

Mystical Waysayer: Show Me Your Garden of Chrysanthemums

 

What if I didn’t know who I was?
If I didn’t find my gemstone, my path, my lust?
What magic would pale at the sight of my magic dust?
What firmament of sand, of rigid pallor, of rust?

 

What if I never galloped on that horse?
Missed that dance?
Forgot to put the penny in the wishing pond?

 

“My Work is to Know You”

“My work is loving the world.” – Mary Oliver

This is something I spontaneously wrote and spoke aloud during a call with a gathering of women. The spoken word has such vibration, clarity, emotion, vibrancy. “See” if you can “hear” the soundless as you read, and feel your own Self breathe…

 
My work is to know you
Sacred cow
Deep middlemarch sounds
The clock is ticking
and yet
there is no sound
 
Ah, awake!
The sugar plum faeries have come
to take me away
To You, to You, to You
The Light has come
 
 
My light is Light
It has no other
It can not be prayed into
There is no book to cover
Its light, its sound
Its energy
It goes out and comes
Simultaneously
 
It gives and uses, it hums
It is given
It never goes away
And yet it is hidden
 
Ah! the darkness has come
But oh Light, oh Light, oh Light!
How It comes…
 

“Who Knows, Dos, Tres, Quatro…!”

Honest to God, folks, there is NO WAY I can keep up with this trip. I think it is like what Hemingwaysaid:   you can only write about Paris when you are in New York, and you can only write about New York when you are in Paris, or something like that.  So, while I am in California, I am too busy LIVING IT!

But I will not complain. I will endeavour to catch up with myself, which is absolutely impossible, because I am so ALIVE with it right now. (And I confess, I did have one really good cucumber and Tabasco martini served by the incredible Karen Seeley….)

our host Karen Seeley at the Santa Maria Inn

Here is an in-the-moment rendition of my roadtrip today, taken from my notebook:

Went to Self-Realization Fellowship Meditation Garden, at the advice of Claudia who I will tell you about in a separate blog because she deserves it ;) .  We were coming from just above San Diego travelling North, hoping to hit just above LA.  In our handy-dandy TomTom GPS, I entered our goal: Ventura, CA. Street: Anywhere….
 
On the way…
steve the morning of
Marine corps practices in the desert, rescue helicopter, hovering above ground the size of a tank.  Several tanks line the ground against the brown dirt, smokey air hanging over clouds.
Mexican music popping, tuba players sounding through the air…
5 N to LA N
Close eyes and feel and smell…
cool still
smokey dusty
mexican fire
& pigs
like cuba
tank trucks going by
yellow
forearms cool
hair whipping behind
my wrap against
the back of  my head
rumbling under the car wheels
“Spanish polka!” steve says
slapping his thigh
rolling by…
hazy sage green
ocean hanging
under cloud.
a hawk finding
prey & freed soar
up ahead.
“yo amigo”
San Diego goodbye, though we never met
met your blood (Claudia)
and grew warmer.
“Adios”, he said.
“Hasta luego!” I called back.
“Vaya con Dios” she said.
I will. Thank You God.
I Am.

Where to stop?

1. Ventura? Coastal. Lots of swanky shops. Gorgeous. Nah, let’s keep going.

2. Monecito? hills, hidden little spanish villas in lushly lined laneways.. Nah, we need a wireless connection. Nearest? McDonald’s.

3. Santa Barbara! Aha! a bit rougher than New Orlean’s. lush but run down, busy coastal waterfront, hidden dusty alleyways, with junkyards. No thanks. What?? No McDonald’s?? Outta here.

4. Funny little Goleta. Maybe… no…. maybe. Energy too stagnant. Not enough going on. Not even still in a good way. Just small. ON we go.

5, 6, 7?  Found McDonald’s wireless pod.. Aaaah..  Barefoot into the bathroom, run back to the car. Top down. Found a place: How about:

Santa Maria… a little place just north east of here. Close to Luis Obisbo.  Close your eyes. Throw a dart. Santa Maria Historic Inn for 89.

YES!

We are at the AMAZING Santa Maria Historic Inn at… you guessed it, Santa Maria, CA.  This is what happens when you let go of  “the plan” and just ARRIVE….

[slideshow]

Highway road into the hills and ranches of Central Californ-I-A.  Wineries on a hilltop. Horses grazing nearby. The POP of life going on inside the car.

Life breezing by.

Here’s me in the car. Who needs sunglasses and a floppy hat in the side country.

Let the Woman Drive.

Day Who Knows….  We drive the coast. Steve takes me into the not-so-foothills of the Pacific Highway 1, rounding about and entering into tree-lined lanes that smell like Eucalyptus.  We stop at Morro Bay and take in the big rock, the clam chowder and the sea salty air. The air is damp and hovers, not hot, for most of the ride, leaving a film on your hair. Until you reach the desert stretches and true foothills of mid-CA…

We stop at Harmony for a wine tour, population 18, the red Zinfadel peppery and great; the white not so much but the label says it all.

By the time we tire, we are just below San Fran, and  make it only as far as Monterrey.  Gambling with Priceline, we find a Marriott at half price, and get upgraded with kindness to an Executive suite. Perfect.

Why plan when you can just Land?

Self-realization fellowship meditation garden (ie., zen wahoo!)

Here is the actual quote, though different than I remember:

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.
Ernest Hemingway

I imagine it is the same with California.

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

Morning Calls

I just felt like writing to you this morning! What a gorgeous Monday morning (I can hardly believe I said that). But it is. My dog just found his way downstairs after a lazy nap, and is now staring at his plaything, and sniffing a shoe. Just getting ready to move from sleep into action. Like me. It’s 8 0′clock, and “All’s Quiet on the Moore Front”. There is no enemy hovering over the hill, only the sun rising up over trees dancing in the breeze. So lovely!

What are you doing this morning?

I swear I just saw a monk passing the entrance to my driveway, or a woman brightly dressed in brilliant orange robes, sandals on her slow-moving feet.  This vision reminded me of travel, of worlds beyond this one. Where I see, smell and hear everything new…

morning walk

I will be going to California soon, for the first time, with my husband. Though I cheat, I have been there before, if only for a moment: getting out of the car (coming down from Nevada) into the Mojave Desert, five months pregnant, standing in the hot and silent sun, a cave of inner listening. I picked up  a rock there, a black lavic looking rock which was warm in my hands. I could only hear my breathing, and the hot air just hanging there and the sound of my feet in the sand. It was as if my own heart was beating the world into existence. I kept that rock as a talisman.

I am looking forward to rediscovering California from the eastern coastal ride up Highway 1…  San Diego….  Santa Monica…. LA (briefly, but must see the basics!)…. Carmel… maybe a mission or two… and then San Fransisco where I will meet my lovely ladie(s) that I have been talking to for over a year. I can’t wait to meet you (you know who you are).

My inner world is changing too. I no longer feel worried all the time as I used to. I feel an inner calm, of being in charge of my own destiny. And Grace too.  It’s magic, and it makes me giggle at times! (A wicked kind of giggle, my husband says).

Ah…. what can I share with you?  That is what I think now.  What can I be today that I haven’t been or done before. What is new. I feel that call now, pulling me to something greater, that beautiful, magical feeling that life is better than OK. It is not to be resisted or lamented. It is to be taken in, held and created like a warm ball of life, like that hot lavic rock melting in my hands.

Everything succumbs eventually to the sound of silence, to the sound of the primordial Yes.

I hear my call. I more than accept.

What is calling to you?

Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 25: Fun!

FUN!
FUN!

I was going to write about Why I am Here, Part II, but again, life gets in the way! And that, my dear, is the point. Life is good. It doesn’t need to be categorized, analyzed or parlayed into anything else. It is right in front of you.

And right now, in front of me, we have  a father and daughter frolicking in a pool, a dog laying down after a good ‘ole day of playing with his doggie friends and going for an evening walk; and me, here typing to you, whatever the hell is going on in my head. But my hope is that I am able to convey not just “what is happening” but why it is important, amazing and good. Why my life is so amazing, because it is.

Am I just lucky, or have I come out of the dark and seen with new eyes?

Something to ask yourself too. Is your life not good, or are you not seeing what is good about you, about it. That is what happened to me. I was comparing my life to some superstar dream fantasy far away, and I could never live or be happy that way. Now, as I sit here, the music playing (“Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles), I dream a new dream: the dream of my life as it is now. Better than planned, appreciated beyond measure, and endlessly full of possibilities for tomorrow. No need to prolong.  Just say:

Yes, this day is enough for me! This is fun!

I am having fun. With you, with me, with everyone.

My husband, not knowing what I was writing about, just hollered from the pool:

“Hey, mommy, this is fun!”

Not kidding. There are no accidents, only appointments, she said.

This one is fun indeed.

Thank you.

Amen.

Day 22: The Daily Commitment Contract

OK, so here’s where “the rubber meets the road”. A few weeks ago, I wrote about my Commitment. It was a real declaration. But how much am I really doing? How can I measure  if I am meeting my commitments, and how can I make myself more accountable? It’s all about personal integrity. But it doesn’t hurt to have a public check-in!

I’m not just talking about things I “have to do”, but things I need to do. Things that will change my life for the better (and maybe other people’s too). So, I am going to share this list with you so I can demonstrate and practice my own commitment, and hopefully inspire you too.

Here it is, my daily commitment contract (this does not include all the other things I have to do in a given day like raising kids, business tasks, house/home, putting out fires, helping friends, building new frontiers).

My Daily Commitment Contract*

1. DAILY SPIRITUAL PRACTICE - Morning meditation and workout upon waking (about 6:30-7:00) before anything else where possible.

2. DAILY WRITING - Daily blog for 30 Days of Miracles; plus daily script-writing for film project over the next 30 nights… with a goal of completing a working draft this summer.

3. RELATIONSHIP - Daily time exploring our relationship dynamic, deepening and having more fun together, with at least 1/2 hour a night of uninterrupted time together sans TV and kids!

RULE:  NO Facebook, Twitter, email, TV (distractions) until I have done my morning work FIRST.  Same goes for the evening round. This is the hardest part!

“Commitment to Self/Core; commitment to Creative Expression; Commitment to Relationship. Then Everything Else!”

Well, that’s it folks. For now. I will be posting updates here and on Facebook (once my commitments are met, of course).  Hold me accountable, ask me how it’s going!  (Any good contract requires witnesses.) And that’s what we can do for each other.

So, what’s on your list?…

Love,

Krista

* This contract is subject to change without notice. Just kidding. However, we can be flexible ;)

Day 21: The Miracle is You

I mean that literally. The Miracle is You. I’m not being generic or metaphoric or universal in any way. For the first time, I really get it.

I sang through the weekend doing the birthday thing, kids running amok, appreciating my family, getting uptight and nervous about the quantity of young guests, the unanticipated sleepover, the never-ending hangover of more guests on Sunday. The joy of an unusual full family dinner.

Now, as I swing back to my beloved friends of this blogging world, I get this sudden feeling of  connectivity, reciprocity, understanding…

This is not just about me. This is about You. The miracle that happens to me is the same miracle that happens to you. What I write, you also live. What you live, I somehow write. How does this happen? How does this miracle happen to us both at the same time, echoing each other? You may think, How did you know that? How did you say exactly how I was feeling at this moment in time? How did you say it just like that so that it sung to my heart, spoke from my true understanding, something I hadn’t even put into words before? This is all new to me too.

All I know is, I am doing this with you

It is a chorus, a harmony, an absolute symphony. I love to write, and you hear my voice. But you don’t just hear me, you hear You! This is bizarre. Amazing. I am singing your song as much as I am singing mine. Maybe we are singing the same song!

I am honoured to be the one putting down the words because it is easy for  me. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way!” But maybe for the one who is tongue-tied or whose heart is torn apart, and can’t even begin to know how to express ‘that’, I am their God-send. Literally. That is not arrogant. As Marianne Williamson says echoing A Course in Miracles, it is not arrogant to recognize your God-given talents and use them. It is humble to witness their impact, to see God’s work at hand. To fall down on your knees and say, Thank you for using me at last!

Thank you.

Thank You for being here, for listening, for understanding, for being, for responding. Thank you for singing your chorus, your harmony. Your wave of passion, happiness, devotion.  I love our evolving collaboration, our co-witnessing each other, our evolutionary striving for something greater. An awakening of seismic proportions. Beyond Katerina, Beyond tragedy. This is the response to all of that. This is the Hope. The Dream. The Great Call to Freedom at last! This isn’t about race, sex, age or religion. This transcends all borders and boundaries we ever thought we had. This is Love itself calling to our own Selves. We are recognizing ourselves in each other’s greatness. We are witnessing the possibility of what we can be together.  Supporting each other in the Climb that has  nothing to do with ceilings or enemies or friends. This is wider, deeper, faster and more incredible than anything we ever thought we were or had. This is the mountain without peak, the river without end…

Dear God, make us Great. Make us tall. Make us realize our own potential in each other’s eyes. Let us witness and make a pact: Never again will we act small, pretend we don’t know anything. Hide in the branches of our own greatness, only to swing when we are alone. Let us join our hands. Clasp on for dear life. Let’s sing our hearts out in this, our Collective Song.

There’s no denying when you’ve heard the Call.

There’s no denying when a Miracle is born.

Thank you, God for hearing mine.

Amen.

Day 15: Haley Sings to the Mountaintops

Tonight one of my guilty pleasures was watching Shania Twain recover her voice in her show, “Why Not? with Shania Twain” on OWN.  It reminded me of my own transition, from when I felt on top of the world, to feeling I had lost everything. I felt so humiliated, so scared, the last thing I wanted to do was admit it to a close personal friend (let alone the world). I didn’t know how to rebuild who I thought I was (my ego) with who I was now (my home). I couldn’t reconcile my dreams with what I had become. It felt like an impossible compromise.  I was paralyzed.

Until I found my voice: Uncertain, strong, uncompromising; softly at first it rose, in the middle of the night. Out of the treetops it seemed to sing; quietly it whispered in my sleep, or wildly it cried in vain. But it rose just the same…

I wrote it all down. Every last detail, feeling, thought. I never shared with anyone, always alone. My private sanctuary from the world. Then it changed: only a few were allowed to hear, my private cries or my wild hidden voice that would spring out onto the page, sometimes delightful and poetic, sometimes irreverent and funny. It gave others pleasure to hear my voice or read my words and many encouraged me. This was a whole new world to me. My private sanctuary was crumbling.

Now, as I listen to those who write back to me, I am dumbfounded. I can hardly believe that anyone is listening, or that my words carry a piece of their heart as well. That our collective “song” rings true.

Sometimes I am an eagle, soaring high. I don’t care what other people think. I look down on the landscape and feel the wind in the trees, and I float easily over all, effortlessly. Something carries me. And the song just comes with it, effortlessly. Other times I am the sparrow, easily broken by ambiguous or harsh testimony.  I am human.

Haley is my song, the script I am working on at the moment.  I hope it comes as easily as my mountaintop expressions, spontaneously sung to the wind. But sometimes it doesn’t.  It needs a little more care than that. A little more structure. I am not used to the accountability of sharing. I am learning.

Shania will recover her voice – there’s no question. It’s scripted that way. But our story remains.

Some are broken by life; others will find their voice again. Whatever your broken-winged voice can’t say…  please, sing it anyway.